Friday, January 30, 2009

don't argue with me

When I got Andy out of his crib this morning he was crying.

Andy: I'm very upset.

Me: Why are you upset, Andy?

Andy: Because I had a dream about hammers.

Me: What did you dream about hammers honey?

Andy: The hammers were sharp.

Me: But honey, hammers aren't really sharp.

Andy, furious: They are!!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

grab the bucket

We're sitting here on the couch playing with Andy. He just said to Shawn, "Daddy I have to barf."

I have heard this song and dance before and so I told him to go fetch his bucket. (I had it here in this room from the other day when I thought he was seriously ill.) He did, and dragged it back to the couch and crawled up next to Shawn.

He sat down with the bucket and put his face down in it, burped a few times, made an echoey noise, and then put it on his head.

a fitting end

FYI: This is the third post today. That's never good.

After we came home and put Andy's coat in the washing machine (see "scarred for life..."), it was time for Andy's afternoon nap. He hadn't been changed in hours and I was absolutely thrilled to see that the diaper was still dry. He was in his room playing with his Cars cars and I called him in to sit on his potty before his snooze. He brought the main character, Lightning McQueen, in with him.

Andy's doing amazingly well with his potty progress, and he was successful this time too. His favorite part of using the potty is of course flushing. So he jumped off the potty and immediately bent over, bare-assed, to watch the toilet paper swirl around and go down. Unfortunately those little fingers didn't hold onto Lightning McQueen as tightly as they should have, and though I didn't see what happened I heard an unmistakable plunk! as the toy hit the maelstrom in the bowl. I quickly dropped the diaper I was trying to put on that bare bum and peered over the rim. But it was too late. There was nothing in the bowl at all.

Andy had a frozen moment and then shouted, "I dropped Lightning McQueen! I dropped him in the potty!"

I had no idea what to do. Being an adult, I usually only flush things that are flushable. So I had no idea what was going to happen. I mostly expected the water to swirl and disappear and then when the bowl settled the car would pop out. Surely it wouldn't fit through the trap.

Alas, McQueen never reemerged. I told Andy as gently as I could that Lightning McQueen was gone. When he heard this, Andy let out the most sorrowful noise I've ever heard him make. It was heartbreaking. It was a squeal of utter, agonizing pain.

I carried him into his room and we rocked in his chair for a while and Andy sobbed on my chest. Every 30 seconds he looked up at me with his tear-stained face and asked if Lightning McQueen was coming back, and every time I told him that the car was gone. And then he made the wounded-animal squeal again and sobbed some more.

I finally told him I'd call the plumber and see what they could do. In truth, I don't give two hoots about Lightning McQueen - he's easily replacable - but I give a serious hoot about my plumbing system. We once spent $300 to have the toilet removed and the pipes searched because there was a clog. Turned out to be a paper clip. So if a paper clip cost $300, I shudder to think what a toy car would cost me.

So anyway, I put Andy down for his nap and told him the plumber was coming. And then on the baby monitor I could hear him bawling and telling himself, "Mommy is going to call the plumber. Lightning McQueen is gone. I flushed him down the potty!" It was so pitiful.

To wrap up the story, the plumber came within a few hours and Andy immediately told him all about McQueen's ride on the porcelain bus. He snaked the trap in the toilet and found that McQueen was not stuck in there. So, the odds are that he's well on his way to the sewage treatment plant. Andy was so interested in the pipe snake that the misery ceased. The plumber and I laughed heartily about Lightning McQueen sleeping with the fishes, and I told Andy we'd go get another one.

So I suppose that the moral of the story is: don't let your toddler hold a toy while they use the potty. Also, this entry may not seem so funny to me in a week when I get the plumber's invoice...

lunch with andy, today

Lunch with Andy (in its real-time, jumbled fashion):

Arrive in the kitchen. Try to put the dog out to pee but can't because Andy is standing in the doorway looking at squirrels. I try to move him and he stubbornly plants his feet because he knows I want him to move. I pick him up, putting considerable strain on my back, and put him aside. The dog goes out and she steps on my feet on the way. Andy runs off. I ask him to sit in his chair. He ignores me. I ask again. He ignores me. I order him. He ignores me. I physically pick him up and put him in his chair. I push in the chair and pinch his fingers. He bawls.

What do you want for lunch Andy?
A hard boiled egg Mommy.

I get out an egg, peel it, slice it and put it on his plate. Then I make myself some egg salad. I turn around and he's feeding his hard boiled egg to Suey.

Stop feeding the dog Andy!
I'm not feeding the dog, Mommy!
Eat your egg, please.
I don't want my egg!
Why not Andy?
I don't like it Mommy. I don't want my egg.

I sit down and pick up my sandwich. Before I can take a bite:
Mommy I want apple cider.
I get him some apple cider. I sit down and take two bites of my sandwich.
Mommy can I have some of your sandwich?

I give him a few bites.

Mommy can I have some water?
Andy I just gave you a glass of apple cider. Drink that.
I don't want to drink that cider Mommy.

He drops his napkin.

Oh no Mommy! I just dropped my napkin! I just dropped my napkin! (tears)
Here Andy, here is another napkin.
I don't want that napkin! I want my napkin! It's on the floor.
I get up and pick up his damn napkin.
Andy what else do you want to eat? You haven't touched your boiled egg.
I don't like my egg Mommy.
I know, son. What else do you want to eat for lunch? want pancakes!
How many pancakes do you want?
I want seven Mommy!
How about three pancakes Andy? I don't think you'll eat them all.
Mommy can I have some water?
Andy let Mommy heat up your pancakes first.
Mommy can I have some water?
Just a minute Andy.
Mommy Suey's barking. Suey's a bad dog. Suey's an idiot.
Andy please don't call Suey an idiot. That's not very nice.
That's not very nice.
No, it's not, so please be nice to her.
You're a nice girl Suey.

I put his pancakes in front of them.
Mommy can you tear them in half?
They're hotter than hell but I tear them in half and blow on each one until I'm dizzy.
Here you go Andy.
They're too hot Mommy! (tears)
No, Andy. I blew on them. They're cooled off now.
No Mommy they're too hot!
Well Andy you're going to have to either blow on them or wait a few minutes. Are you going to eat the pancakes you asked for?
Yes Mommy.

I take another bite of my sandwich.
Mommy can I have a bite of your sandwich?
I give him a bite.
Andy will you have some of your pancakes?
He takes two bites of pancake. He leaves the other two cakes on the plate, untouched.
Is that all you're going to eat Andy?
I don't like the pancakes Mommy.
But you said you wanted pancakes!
I don't like the pancakes Mommy! (getting upset)
Can I eat my sandwich please Andy?
No Mommy you can't eat your sandwich can I have some Goldfish?
Do you want a banana?
No Mommy I don't want a banana.
Do you want a fruit cup?
No Mommy I don't want a fruit cup I want some Goldfish.
Can I please put the dishes in the dishwasher first?
Yes Mommy. Can I have some Goldfish now?
Just a minute Andy.
Mommy can you get me down?
Just a minute Andy.
Mommy I want to get down from my chair and play with Suey.
Just a minute Andy.
Mommy what are you doing?
I'm doing the dishes Andy.
Mommy what is Suey doing?
She's barking at the squirrels son.
She's barking at the squirrels.
Yes, Andy.
Mommy can I have a bite of your sandwich?
Andy I just threw the last bite down the garbage disposal.
Oh dear... (tears)

scarred for life. me, that is.

My parents are out of town and since I live next door to them, I'm babysitting their dogs while they're away. These dogs are a bit of a mixed bag: one of them is incredibly old, one of them urinates on everything, and one of them refuses to poop in the snow.

Andy and I spent an hour at Cabela's this afternoon, for some entertainment. When we returned home we stopped at my parents' house to let the dogs out to pee. While the dogs were out, I went to the sink and started filling up their giant water jug. Andy was milling about and I couldn't see him but I could hear him. After a few minutes he wandered over to where I was and held something up for me to see. I was in the middle of using the spray hose on the sink so it didn't immediately register what he had in his hand.

Until, of course, he said excitedly, "Look Mommy I've got poop!"

And he did have poop. There, in his hand, was a dog poo. I am 100% sure it was the corgi. Anyway, I screamed, "Oh my GOD Andy put it down!!!" out of sheer gut reaction, and he burst into tears and wiped his hand all over his wool coat.

That corgi is dead meat.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

he just said

"Look at me Mommy. I'm shiny and pretty."

Sunday, January 18, 2009

talking to himself and his bunny

We heard on the monitor after we put him in bed tonight:


He sang himself the ABCs.

Then silence.

Then: "Booba, you idiot."

Thursday, January 15, 2009


Friday, January 9, 2009


Out of the blue, while watching tv:

"I'm not picking my nose, Mommy."

Okay, son. Good. Glad to hear it.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


This morning I was on the phone when Andy suddenly decided he just had to see "Finding Nemo". He likes to watch movies over on his side of the basement on his little portable dvd player sometimes, rather than on the big screen tv. I told him, "Not now Andy, I'm on the phone."

Of course he got upset and whined, and asked repeatedly until I gave in. I managed to untangle myself from the blankets and computer cords and drag my weary, sinus-infected body over there and queued up his dang movie. Then I stood there next to him for a few seconds to make sure the movie played.

Apparently this wasn't cool because he barked, "You go over there and sit in your chair, Mommy."

I was handed my hat. Two years old and already he wants his personal space.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


Last night Andy was goofing around in the kitchen while we prepared dinner. I told him not to get too wild, but he's two. Like he's really going to listen to me....

So to make a long story short, he lost his balance and fell, butt-first, into the dog's water. We have an enormous water cooler jug for Suey that holds 10 gallons, so it's a big bowl.

I thought Shawn was actually going to pee. He covered his mouth and bit his lip as hard as he could. There was Andy, sitting in the water, with a most pitiful look on his little face as the situation registered in his mind.

I helped him up and he teared up and started to cry and said, "Oh dear! My pants are wet!"

Monday, January 5, 2009


My dog and I are having issues.

She's been pooping in my foyer lately. She's always been wonderful about going outside and never, ever has accidents. So I don't know what the problem is, but I suspect it has to do with the fact that she doesn't like to go out when it rains. Regardless, I'm severely irked with her. A doberman pile is not a small thing to clean up.

So when I discovered today's pile I was understandably angry. This is the fourth time in a week. I cleaned it up, and spent a significant portion of that time yelling at her and going on about how upset I was.

Andy was sitting at the table having his lunch while this was going on. He could hear me ranting and shouted, "What's wrong Mommy!?" He asks me this whenever I make any kind of exclamation. He's nosy.

When I got back to the lunch table he asked me again and I said, "Suey pooped in the foyer."

He nodded and said, "Suey's in trouble. She peed on the dentist."

I just don't see where that came from at all.

Friday, January 2, 2009

he already knows

He threw something small. I wasn't mad.

I looked over at him.

He smiled at me and said, "I'm a naughty man."