whiskey tango foxtrot

I just walked down to the basement. Andy was playing by the window sill. I asked him what he was doing.

He mumbled something that I didn't quite hear.

But then he said, plain as day, "....and look what I did to your paycheck!"

naked time

Tonight we were hustling to get Andy to bed because he didn't have a nap today and was clearly in need of sleep. We threw him in the shower and threw him out again. I barely had time to dry him properly because he was so keyed up. He ran naked into his room and jumped onto the bed.

Then, he bent over and put his head on the bed and waved his naked bum in the air, back and forth.

When I asked him what exactly he was doing, he said, "I'm waving my bum around like a floozy."

toddler language FAIL

He knocked his tower over in school today, by accident.

He said, "Oh dammit."

A little blonde girl next to him said, "Oh dammit."

A boy sitting at a table nearby said "Oh dammit."

And so it went.

he wishes

Andy was over in the corner playing with his toys, and clearly getting very angry at them. My mom and I were on the couch, talking. Suddenly we heard, "SHUTUP!!!"

I ignored it until he said it a second and third time. Then I said, quite sternly, "Andy! We do not talk that way in this family!"

Of course, being Captain Sensitive, he burst into tears and ran to his Meme. She took him on her lap and said, "Andy, Mommy and Daddy don't say 'shut up' and they don't want you to talk that way."

Andy said, "Can you get me some new parents?"

circle time

Let me preface this story by telling you that, of late, Nugget has discovered how much fun it is to snap at bugs. Bees, flies, whatever. If it crawls or buzzes, she wants to bite it and eat it. Shawn absent-mindedly referred to her as "cricket licker" the other day.

Meanwhile, at school, when the children arrive in the morning, Andy's teacher, Miss Kim, holds what's known as "Circle Time". I'm not really sure what goes on at Circle Time, but I do know they sing good morning to each child and perhaps share a little something about what is going on in that child's life.

When I arrived at school to pick up Andy today, Miss Kim came out with a strange look on her face and said she wanted to tell me what Andy had said today at Circle Time. I immediately felt uneasy and prepared myself for something humiliating.

Miss Kim said, "Andy announced to the group that Nugget ate crumbs off the floor. And I told him that it was good that he hadn't also eaten them off the floor..."

[I braced for impact.]

"....And then he said, 'Nugget's a crumb-lickah!!!' and all the children burst into hysterics.

"Then Andy said, "Nugget's a cricket lickah!!!!!'"

The children went bananas at this point and Miss Kim said 10 little 2- and 3-year-olds chanted "Cricket lickah! Cricket lickah! Cricket lickah!"

Andy, now on a performance high, shouted, "Nugget's a CRICK LICKAH!!!"

Apparently the aid, Miss Sam, looked at Kim and said she couldn't hold it any longer and burst into laughter. The adults had tears in their eyes and the children were out of control, all shouting, "Crumb lickah! Cricket lickah! Crick lickah!"

I believe it took quite some time for everyone to calm down. I lost it myself when I heard the story.

Although he didn't say anything offensive, Miss Kim's impression of the way Andy yelled, "Cricket lickah!" made it sound downright filthy.

my kid's a jerk

On the way home from an aiport run today, Andy was entertained by his portable DVD player. And thank the Lord for them, because it's a 2-hour round trip and he'd otherwise chatter the entire way.

About 20 minutes from home the movie ended. Being the driver I wasn't willing to insert another DVD and instead just turned it off. This infuriated my son.

"MOMMY I AM ANGRY AT YOU! I WANT ANOTHER MOVIE!"

(Toddlers are never shy about telling you exactly what they want from you in the most direct way possible.)

In plain English I told him no, and when the whining commenced I turned up the radio and stopped listening to him.

Two minutes later he was still grumbling and I tuned him back in just in time to hear, ".....and I'm going to throw sand in your eyes, Mommy!"

I turned to him at a stoplight and said, "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME? I hope I did NOT just hear you say you're going to put sand in my eyes because you're angry at me."

He just stared at me and considered his options.

"What did you just say to me, Andy?"

He hesitated and then said, "Um, I said...............'duck', Mommy. I said 'duck'."

That's what I thought he said. What a jerk.

endless blog fodder

As I was sitting on the back porch typing the entry below, Andy came over to me, whining. He sat down next to me and looked up at the sky for a minute. Then he said, "Is there any TV out here, Mommy?"

Great.

UPDATED to add:

After I assured him there was, in fact, no TV out here, he asked for a Capri Sun. I told him they were over in the cooler we used for his birthday party. He went over, lifted up the lid, and dropped it on his toe and said, "Oh dammit."

Y?

This is why boys and girls are different.

Andy was in the guest room talking to his Aunt Tanya, who came for his birthday. I was preparing his toothbrush in the bathroom.

I went to the hall and called, "Andy Roberts, please report to the bathroom for tooth-brushing."

There was no reply, so I went to the guest room. He was sitting there on the guest bed while she packed her suitcase.

"Andy!" I said. "Come on! Time to brush those teeth!"

And here is when a little girl would have calmly slid off the bed, put her feet on the ground, and come into the bathroom.

Andy, however, leaned forward and put his belly on the bed. He hung his head over the edge of the mattress and proceeded to slide, headfirst, off the bed. He did not put his arms out to brace himself; just plummeted down like a top-heavy missile. His head slammed onto the hard floor and his body rapidly followed, like a pile driver. The impact was quite loud and I'd guess he's at least a quarter inch shorter than he was before he dove off the bed.

He then rolled over, hit the dresser, and bawled.

Like I said, a little girl would have just hopped down. The Y-chromosome strikes again.

yes n no

Andy said, "Can I have a Capri Sun, Mommy?"

"No, son. You have water right now." I answered.

He frowned and said, "Don't say no, Mommy. Say yes."

There was silence from me as I tried not to laugh.

Then he said, "Don't say 'no' words. Say 'yes' words."

Apparently, that's his policy.