pregnancy with a 3-year-old

Me: Andy, I'll be right back. I have to go upstairs and throw up.

Andy: Wait Mommy! I'll go with you!!!


He did, too.

boing

Last night, December 23rd, we decided we couldn't take it anymore. Andy was using the furniture as a springboard, bouncing from couch to ottoman to chair to floor to dog's back....the furniture in our rumpus room is old and I want it to last through the next bouncy kid as well. Seeing as he was alive with so much toddler energy, we decided to give him his biggest present 36 hours early.

So entered the trampoline.

He was thrilled. It's a little exercise trampoline and the number of sweet, unsolicited thank-yous we've received is astounding. I didn't know he had such manners in him. He's in love with it. He asked so politely if he could bring down his pillow and blanket and sleep on his trampoline. And he bounced the hell out of it. For hours.

He'd been on his trampoline a total of 35 seconds when he fell off and landed on his face. (Way to go, parents.) And I looked at Shawn and said, "I give him one month before he figures out that he can drag it over to the couch and jump from couch to trampoline." Shawn agreed.

154 seconds later, Andy dragged his trampoline over to the couch and scaled the back of it. He stood on the top, bounced down to the cushions and onto the trampoline. And then onto the floor and his face.

maybe next year

My Christmas talk with Andy about baby Jesus last night rapidly de-evolved into questions about whether it was possible to catch an angel in a net, from within a box, on a train.

it had to happen

Today the thumb of humiliation squashed me flat.

I had an o.b. appointment which took forever. Andy was such a good boy, so patient and well-behaved. (Clearly a switch was made and it wasn't my kid at all but an imposter.) After an hour and a half of waiting we were seen and sent downstairs to the lab. But at the hospital, before you can have anything at all done, you have to register. So we sat and waited some more. And Andy asked question after question. His little brain is a sponge, soaking up the world around him. Who am I to deny him in his quest for knowledge? I always give him an answer, though sometimes it's downright obnoxious.

When we were called back to office #3 to register, we were seated before the desk of an overly-masculine woman with very, very short hair. She was a larger lady and there wasn't much that was girly about her.

Andy looked puzzled for a moment and then pointed right at this woman and asked, "Mommy, what is that man's name?"

I stumbled, I scrounged, I grasped, but I don't think I saved it. She knew.

schna!

This morning we woke up to a beautiful white snowfall. I was up most of the night watching it come down, so I was really excited to show Andy when he woke up. As soon as I heard him stirring at 7:20 a.m. I went into his room, got down on his bed and said, "Andy I have a surprise for you!"

He woke right up and said, "What is it, Mommy?"

I said, "Look out the window!"

He got out of his covers, stood up, and went over to his window. He pulled back his blinds and saw the beautiful scene.

I asked, "What do you think, Andy?"

He smiled and said, "I smell poop!"

guffaw

Just a moment ago, while repeatedly blasting the horn on his garbage truck toy....

"Listen Mommy! I hear something horny!"

the funniest

On school mornings, 3 days a week, I have a lot to accomplish. I have to get myself ready and Andy ready and breakfasted and out the door with his father. Shawn has a bit of a tendency to sleep in as late as possible, so I've found a way around that. At 7:30 I wake up my son and he generally bounces out of bed. I hug him and send him into our bedroom to wake up his father. Andy opens the door, barges in loudly, and proceeds to take Booba, his little bunny, and whack his father on the butt several times. He then climbs onto the bed and beats Shawn from the other side.

Now, because Shawn never reads my blogs I can reveal this: this is all my doing. Andy didn't think of this Booba-butt-beating thing on his own. I remind him every morning to go in and 'beat Daddy on the butt with Booba until he wakes up'. Shawn thinks it's all Andy's idea so he doesn't mind too much. He thinks it's a cute I-love-Daddy thing. But I always stand in the doorway and laugh myself stupid.

This morning Andy went in and whacked his father a few times on the rump. Then he turned to me in the dim light and said, "Mommy, which side is the butt on?" I told him that Daddy's butt was facing the other way, so he climbed up on the bed and started beating Shawn from the other direction. Then he got under the covers and ooched up next to his father.

When he did this, Shawn started to wake up. He let out a big, manly yawn complete with some icky throat noises.

And Andy said, "Awww, Daddy, you're disgusting!"

why i utterly suck

For some reason last night Andy wanted to read Rikki Tikki Tavi. The book was mine when I was a kid and consists of stills from the movie and a condensed version of the plot. But, it's still a book about snakes who want to kill people.

Perhaps it was the nausea or the fact that I was distracted by how badly the Steelers were playing, but I agreed to read it to him, somehow not really hearing the little voice in my head that said, "No! Bad parent!"

So 4 pages into the book the two cobras, Nag and Nagaina, are plotting the death of the family, hiding in the bathroom. And it's at this point where I realize I've made a huge mistake. But I didn't put the book down because then it would have been even more apparent that there was something in the story for a little boy to be terrified of. Rather, I began editing. Alas, it's pretty hard to edit when the entirety of the plot, once again, revolves around snakes who want to kill people.

I did my best but should have followed my initial instincts to close the book. How do I know this?

Because 30 seconds after we kissed him goodnight and closed the door he began to sob. I thought, "Oh crap," and went back in there. And he was sitting in the dark clutching his Booba and he said, "Mommy I just had a dream about bad snakes in the bathroom!"

D'oh!

the man's alphabet

Andy is working hard on his alphabet sounds. He asks me what letter a word starts with. (Actually he says, "Mommy what letter does B start with?" Pretty close.) And then we sound it out. He's got a good grasp on at least 40% of the letters and their sounds. He sounds out everything. For hours at a time.

At school yesterday he was practicing.

"Miss Kim, booger starts with B!"

Miss Kim apparently stifled laughter and said, "Yes, Andy."

"And do you know what else starts with B? BARF!"

disturbing!

We were in the car going shopping and asked Andy whether he was hoping for a little brother or a little sister. He initially said he wanted a brother, then changed his mind and said sister, then changed it again.

Then he said, "Daddy I want five babies."

Shawn paled, steadied himself and said, "No Andy, we're only having one baby."

Andy frowned, and pouted, and yelled. "I WANT FIVE BABIES!!!"

also at dinner

He looked at his father and said, "Shawn, will you cut my noodles?"

distinctions

Andy's dinner contained broccoli tonight. Just yesterday he remarked how much he liked broccoli.

Me: Andy, aren't you going to eat any of your broccoli?

Andy: [silence]

Me: I thought you just said you like broccoli, buddy.

Andy: I like broccoli. I just don't like the way it tastes.

not too far off

Andy: Why are you always feeling sick, Mommy?

Me: Well, Andy, Mommy has something in her tummy right now that makes her feel nauseous.

Andy: Oh. Is it a gross worm?