Qwerty's Blog

echoes of me

2012-02-02T16:53:00.002-05:00

Andy got into a verbal scuffle with an older kid today.

He told me he said, "I don't think you should have your words all up in my grill!"

attitude and wee

2012-01-27T14:54:00.002-05:00

Andy's best friend Wesley was here for the day to play with him. Andy was thrilled. So thrilled, in fact, that he couldn't tear himself away from Wesley to go take a pee. But of course I knew he had to pee because he was doing the pee pee dance.

Me: Andy! Go pee!

Andy: I don't want to.

Me: Go pee!

Andy: I'm not going to!

Me: GO. PEE. NOW.

Andy: Alright!

He peed, but he was so unable to focus on the task at hand that he whizzed all over the bathroom floor. I was not happy. I made him clean it up.

Me: Andy, watch where you're peeing next time. That's disgusting.

Andy, defiantly: Well I'm not ashamed. And it's not my job to clean up everything.

the apple didn't fall far

2012-01-27T10:52:00.002-05:00

"Why does Daddy talk so much? He talks for a long time and it waste-ez my time."

at the dentist

2012-01-10T21:27:00.000-05:00

"I wish I could eat my tongue and then bring it back up later."

canine tosis

2011-12-29T16:36:00.003-05:00

Maya, our shepherd, has terrible dog breath. Today we were talking about it, and about the other dogs we've had. Andy asked about our Doberman Pinscher.

Andy: Did Suey smell, Mommy?

Me: No Andy, she didn't usually have dog breath.

Andy: Oh. Did she have person breath?

massive parenting fail

2011-12-23T15:18:00.004-05:00

Andy and I were having a discussion about the Amish. I explained that they don't use cars or phones or radios or television.

Andy: Well then what do they watch?

Me: They don't watch tv honey.

Andy: They don't watch anything?

Me: They don't watch any tv at all.

Andy: Well, then they never feel happy!

It may be time for a change.

what am i

2011-12-21T16:47:00.003-05:00

Andy's new favorite game is called "What Animal Am I?" He created it himself. We've been playing it for a few days.

Then it morphed into a boys' game: What Machine Am I? This one is tougher for me. He's a train. He's a digger. He's a road paving machine. He's a computer. (He sat on the ground and beeped.)

Next it became "What Dude Am I?"

Finally it was "What Old Thing Am I?" This was ridiculous. First he was a garbage can. (I can't imagine why I couldn't guess that.) Then he curled into a ball on the floor.

Me: Andy, you've got to give me a clue. You're not even moving.

Andy: You know why? I'm a penny!

good advice

2011-12-15T16:18:00.001-05:00

"Ben! Remind yourself that you're being rude!"

a [stupid] tradition dies

2011-12-14T19:41:00.002-05:00

My husband loves The Three Stooges. He used to watch it with his own dad, and he had greatly hoped to share the tradition with his own boys.

I don't think it's going to work, though. Tonight Shawn put on the Stooges for Andy. I came down to the basement to see Andy sitting on the ottoman with a cookie in his hand, staring at Moe punching Curly in the stomach as they all ran from a mummy.

I asked, "Andy, do you think this is funny or do you think this is stupid?"

He answered, "I think it's stupid. It's just a bunch of old guys punching each other."

thanks for pointing that out

2011-12-13T16:15:00.001-05:00

"Mommy, when you took your hand out of your mouth, um, I saw some slobber."

careful editing

2011-12-08T16:10:00.003-05:00

As I picked up Andy...

Me: Andy, how was school today?

Andy: Great! I didn't even get in trouble this time.

disaster averted, for now

2011-11-25T17:49:00.002-05:00

Today I got a warning.

Andy: Mommy, bad news. Every time you don't feed me I'll starve.

spaghetti

2011-11-25T17:48:00.001-05:00

Andy was eating spaghetti and wanted a little Parmesan for his pasta.

"Mommy, could I please have some of that pharmacy on cheese?"

i've had it

2011-11-23T13:34:00.003-05:00

Me: Andy, you are making me mad.

Andy, casually: I'm making everybody mad except myself.

urologist approved

2011-11-10T16:46:00.005-05:00

Ever since our guinea pig came home from the pet store pregnant, there have been questions.

The parenting resources tell us to answer questions honestly but succinctly. We've explained to Andy that our male guinea pig cannot father any babies because he is neutered.

It sort of translates to humans.

Andy: Mommy, are you going to have another baby since there's one mom and one dad?

Mommy: No, Andy.

Andy: Oh, did Daddy already get neutered?

so, that's a no

2011-11-08T20:21:00.002-05:00

Me: Andy, did you eat those crackers I gave you for your snack yesterday? Did you like them?

Andy: Yes, but they don't taste like anything good.

theology lesson

2011-11-08T20:19:00.001-05:00

Andy: So, in Heaven does God yell at you?

Me: No, honey.

Andy: Ever? He never yells at you even if you do something bad?

Me: No, Andy.

Andy: Wow, that's where I need to be. I can't wait for everybody to die!

thanks a heap

2011-11-06T08:19:00.001-05:00

Me, trying on a brand new, rather short dress: How do I look, Andy?

Andy, smiling: Great! You look just like an old mommy!

i think he's confused

2011-09-11T08:05:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we went to the Good Zoo with Uncle Davey and Aunt Sonya. The kids had fun, and Andy recognized some friends. Having spent three weeks in zoo camp over the summer, he became a camp counselor favorite and all of young, female zoo employees in the Education Department know him. And love him, because everybody loves Andy, it seems.

As we walked around, a group of them went by on a golf cart. They stopped to talk to and to hug Andy. About an hour later, we were down at the wetlands exhibit. Andy and Ben were running around when the same golf cart went by again. I heard a female chorus shout, "Hi, Andy!"

Andy stopped and waved and shouted back.

Me: Andy, were those your buddies again?

Andy: Yeah, those were my waitresses from zoo camp this summer.

am i?

2011-08-22T20:34:00.000-04:00

Me: Hello, young one.

Andy: Hello, old one.

how about no?

2011-08-22T20:31:00.004-04:00

Andy came into the bedroom the other night around 10pm. He already had a sneaky look in his eye.

Andy: Mommy, I'm scared.

Me: Of what?

Andy: I don't know.

At this point he launched into an explanation while simultaneously but not so surreptitiously crawling over Shawn and began to inch his way under the covers between us.

Andy: Can I sleep in here from now on?

Me: Honey, you have all of your stuff in your room. You have your hermit crabs and your monster spray and your stuffed manatees.

Andy: Well, I can move them all in here.

solicitation

2011-08-22T20:28:00.001-04:00

Me: Andy, Ben's teeth really hurt and he's in a lot of pain. Can you be an extra sweet big brother and play with him so he doesn't think about his molars?

Andy: If I play with my brother are you gonna give me lots of money?

tmi

2011-08-01T11:46:00.001-04:00

Shawn said, "Look, Laura. Ben's clenching his fists."

Andy interjected, "And I'm clenching my butt!"

understatement

2011-07-23T14:17:00.002-04:00

I was watching "Castaway".

Halfway through, Andy said, "This guy's having a rough day."

when it's midnight on the....oh forget it

2011-07-20T21:33:00.004-04:00

The other day Andy and I were having Andy-Mommy time, something that is severely lacking since Benjamin the Little Upstart, Ruiner of Fun and Parental Attention Thief came along. I've been trying hard lately to make certain Andy has some unadulterated one-on-one moments with me. So we played tag in the evening and caught lightning bugs. And then we laid in the grass and looked at the sky.

Andy: Let's talk, Mommy.

We talked about when he was a baby and I told him about a song my dad used to sing to me when I was a wee lass: "The Pony Man" by Gordon Lightfoot.

Andy: How does it go, Mommy?

Me: You want me to sing it?

Andy: Yes!

I started singing "The Pony Man", which has at least seven or eight stanzas. I'm not much of a singer, so it wasn't very good. But I did it because my kid was enthused.

However, by stanza two, Andy was restless.

By stanza three, Andy sighed.

At the start of stanza four, he interrupted me.

Andy: Um....Mommy?

Me: Yes, Andy?

Andy: Um....how long is this song gonna take?

the proudest mama

2011-06-29T15:07:00.003-04:00

Me, picking up Andy from zoo camp: Andy, how was camp today?

Andy: Great! I didn't grab my crotch one time Mommy!

on the road....or just a man?

2011-06-20T16:27:00.001-04:00

Me: Hey Andy, we're stopping at this rest stop. Do you need to pee?

Andy: Yes! I've really gotta go! I've been holding my penis for hours!

oh, well in that case....

2011-06-01T20:54:00.002-04:00

Andy: Mommy, can I swim in my pool?

Me: Are you really going to swim in it, Andy? Because it takes a while to inflate it and clean it out and fill it with water. It's a lot of work for me.

Andy: That's okay, Mommy. I don't mind.

wordy

2011-05-22T09:22:00.002-04:00

On Thursday...

Andy: How did you sleep, Mommy?

Me: I slept exceedingly well, Andy.

On Friday...

Me: How did you sleep, Andy?

Andy: I slept ingrediently well, Mommy.

when shawn tried to play

2011-05-22T09:21:00.001-04:00

Andy said, "No Daddy. I don't want to deal with you right now."

busted

2011-05-13T22:24:00.002-04:00

Andy: Daddy, you need to go to school.

Shawn: I already went to school, buddy.

Andy: But you need to go back to school to learn how not to mow over Mommy's flowers.

jokey

2011-05-09T11:10:00.007-04:00

Andy has a book that was mine as a kid. It's called "The Giggle Book". It's full of fairly inane knock-knock jokes and ridiculous puns. It almost pains me to read it because it's so dumb, but I remember loving it when I was young as much as he does now.

Thing is, he doesn't really "get" jokes. I have to explain each one, and he still doesn't really understand. The phrase "barking lot" doesn't mean anything to him, and he doesn't appreciate why a giraffe with a sore throat is so ironic.

For example:

Me: Knock, knock.

Andy: Who's there?

Me: Amos.

Andy: Amos who?

Me: Amos-quito just bit me.

Andy: Haha. That's funny.

Me: Yeah...do you get it?

Andy: Yeah. Haha.

(pause)

Andy: So, who's Amos?

*********************

After I explained Amos to him, he hit me with pun of his own.

Andy: Knock, knock.

Me: Who's there?

Andy: Chicken.

Me: Chicken who?

Andy: Chicken butt.

just you wait, part deux

2011-05-04T19:17:00.002-04:00

Andy: Daddy, why are you so furry?

Shawn: It just happens, buddy.

Me: It happens when you grow up.

Andy: When I grow up I'm going to be furry. And I'm going to have an iPhone.

just you wait

2011-04-27T10:27:00.000-04:00

"Daddy, why are you so hairy?"

paint peeler

2011-04-26T09:10:00.003-04:00

The first super-warm day of spring wasn't as great as we'd hoped, because Andy seemed to have it in for his little brother. Consequently, he spent more than a few minutes up in his room, often staring down at us in the backyard angrily from his window.

At bedtime, I went into his room to lower his shades. There on the floor below the window were hundreds of paint chips.

I said, "Andy! What did you do?"

He said matter-of-factly, "Oh yeah. I peeled a bunch of paint off the wall when I was in time out. It gave me something to do."

Obviously I wasn't happy, and told him as much, trying to emphasize how unacceptable this was.

He answered, in a very sensible tone, "Mommy, you don't have to look at it."

he speaks the truth

2011-04-18T10:26:00.003-04:00

"Daddy, your car is really grody.

Look, there's sand on the floor. And leaves. And paper.

It's disgusting.

You really need to clean out your car."

funnies

2011-03-29T13:28:00.001-04:00

While we were getting out of the car and gathering up our things, Andy stopped.

Andy: Wait, Mommy! I have to get my coat!

Me: Andy, you're already wearing your coat.

Andy: Oh. You're right! I hornswaggled myself!

underoos

2011-03-23T20:11:00.002-04:00

Andy comes down the stairs in his underwear.

Shawn: Where's your clothes?

Andy: My leg was so itchy I had to take my pants off.

blame it on the intangible

2011-03-17T10:38:00.001-04:00

Me: Andy, why are you bombarding me with questions when you should be eating your breakfast? You're already late for school.

Andy: That's because my naughty energy kept letting out silly questions.

i'm glad somebody said it

2011-03-02T20:32:00.001-05:00

Andy: Daddy, how old are you?

Shawn: Thirty-eight.

Andy: How old is Mommy?

Shawn: Thirty-one.

[pause]

Andy: Wow, Daddy. You're a lot older than Mommy.

PhDuh, ma

2011-02-19T17:32:00.002-05:00

Andy: I don't want to go to school.

Me: Sorry buddy. You have to.

Andy: But why?

Me, trying to make it simple: Because it's the law; children have to go to school.

Andy, whining: But I know everything.

blab

2011-02-10T08:24:00.002-05:00

Andy: Daddy! We're getting you wine for your birthday!

no. no i won't.

2011-02-04T16:58:00.000-05:00

"Mommy, when I'm older will you help me eat my tongue?"

show me some love, Lancelot

2011-01-17T21:56:00.001-05:00

Andy, today after school: Mommy, I'm going to be really nice to Benjamin because today we learned about Martin Luther King Arthur and how he wanted us all to love each other.

priorities

2011-01-15T19:43:00.002-05:00

Andy: Mommy, can you go get me a CapriSun?

Me: No, Andy. Why don't you get it yourself?

Andy: I can't. I have to watch this show.

last night

2011-01-10T14:12:00.004-05:00

The time: 4 a.m.

The place: Our bed.

We wake up to the sound of Andy wrestling with our doorknob. When he gets the door open he comes in and lurks beside a half-sleeping Shawn. He mumbles something about being afraid and Shawn pulls him into bed and we all go back to sleep.

Half an hour later, Shawn wakes himself up enough to take Andy back to bed.

Shawn: What was the matter, buddy? Why did you come into our room?

Andy: I was scared.

Shawn: Why?

Andy: I heard a honking noise and it scared me.

Shawn: A honking noise?

Andy: Yeah. [pause] Oh wait, it was me. I tooted.

And he smiled at Shawn.

grrreat

2011-01-08T12:29:00.002-05:00

Andy: Mommy, this is a pretty house. Who built our house?

Me: Well, your great, great, great grandfather built this house.

Andy: Oh...why was he so great?

checklist round deux

2010-12-28T10:47:00.002-05:00

Last night Andy had obviously been working on his excuses. We put him in bed and went into our own bedroom to watch Monday Night Football.

Shortly thereafter, we heard our doorknob rattle as he tried to get his sweaty little hands around it. Shawn finally got up and opened the door. There he was, in his footy pajamas.

Me: What do you need, Andy?

Andy: Um...Mommy?

Me: Yes?

Andy: What happens if we run out of baby food?

Me: Andy, please stop getting out of bed to ask me these pointless questions. Please go to bed. I am tired of this. I want you to stay in your room.

Andy: Okay, Mommy.

Me: Goodnight, Andy.

Andy: But Mommy?

Me, exasperated and defeated: Yes, Andy?

Andy: How do you spell lamp?

checklist

2010-12-27T13:36:00.004-05:00

Last night after we put the boys to bed, we knew we hadn't seen the last of Andy. We can always pick out the nights when he's not going to stay in his bed. Sure enough, 20 minutes after saying 'goodnight' we heard footsteps as he came down to find us.

Or rather, to stall.

I heard him on the stairs but couldn't see him. He sat there for 5 minutes. I waited for him to peek around the corner. He finally did.

Me: What's the problem Andy? Why aren't you in your bed?

Andy: Um......um.....[clearly trying to think of a good reason why he wasn't in his bed]...I think I don't feel well.

Me: Andy, you're fine.

Andy: Well, um.......I think I had a bad dream.

Me: Andy, you haven't even gone to bed yet.

Andy: Well, I heard a noise and I'm scared.

Me: Andy! Go to bed!

Andy: But I can't find my book.

Me: Andy!

Andy: Okay, Mommy. G'night.

huh?

2010-12-27T13:33:00.002-05:00

Andy was going on and on about something that was really none of his business. I put up with it for a while and then told him I'd had enough.

Me: Okay, Andy. Just let it go.

Andy: Okay I just....don't have a zipper on my mouth.

ready for the nursing home, obviously

2010-12-10T15:04:00.005-05:00

Yesterday Andy and I were sitting at the dinner table finishing up our meals. I began to look around for my phone as it had disappeared.

Andy said, "Mommy, what are you looking for?"

"My telephone, Andy."

He said, "Oh."

Eventually as we were doing the dishes I found my phone and set it on the table. Andy looked down at it and said, "That's an iPhone, Mommy."

I said, "Yes, Andy. I told you I was looking for my telephone, right?"

"But that's an iPhone, Mommy." Then he looked at me pityingly, and said in his most polite voice, "That's okay Mommy. You were just confused."

boy humor

2010-11-19T13:47:00.002-05:00

After school today we were running errands and telling jokes.

Andy: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Close the door, I'm dressing!

Me: What do you call a carton full of ducks? A box of quackers!

Andy: What did the car say to the baker?

Me: Um, I don't know, Andy.

Andy: I'll run over you.

fortunately, no

2010-11-04T08:27:00.002-04:00

Last evening I was getting Andy ready for bed. Since Shawn is away for a few weeks I am trying to do as much multi-tasking as I can to get things done with two little children. So while I was toweling him off after his bath, I already had the toothbrush ready to go. Actually I had the handle in my mouth so I had two free hands.

When I was done drying him he took the initiative and grabbed the toothbrush from out of my mouth.

Actually the word is "ripped". He ripped his toothbrush out of my mouth.

I yelled, "Ow!"

He got a deeply concerned look on his face and said, "I'm so sorry, Mommy! Did I take out some of your teeth?"

oh-tell

2010-11-03T13:42:00.003-04:00

Shawn is out of town, staying in a hotel.

Andy thinks his Daddy is staying in a show-and-tell. He asked me what Daddy was bringing for everybody to see.

whacked

2010-10-27T08:02:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we had an unfortunate accident that resulted in Ben being run over by a train.

Granted, it was a toy train, but it was a big one. It was a box car, actually, with sharp corners. Andy was playing engineer over on the couch and Benjamin was lying happily in his gym. Somehow the engineer lost control of his train and it wheeled off down the tracks, took a dive through the air and smashed right into Benji's eye. Well, thankfully it was actually his eyelid. There was crying, screaming and bleeding. Ben actually stopped crying after about seven seconds, but Andy's anguish at injuring his beloved little brother was longer-lasting.

Eventually I got the ointment dispensed and the crying under control, and we were off in the car for a playdate. Looking in the rear view mirror I asked Andy, "What's Benjamin doing back there, buddy?"

Andy replied, "Aww....he's smiling at me, Mommy! He's smiling at me with his forehead bleeding."

i just might

2010-10-20T22:40:00.002-04:00

Andy was throwing a giant rubber ball around his room this afternoon. It was making me really nervous.

I said, "If you break the ceiling fan I'm going to be really ticked off."

He said, "And then you'll throw me out of town?"

trunk space

2010-10-19T20:54:00.003-04:00

We put Andy to bed at 8:45 tonight. At 8:55 we were sitting in the basement and Shawn looked at me and said, "Look over on the stairs." And there was Andy, peeking around the corner. I don't even know how he heard Andy coming, since Andy was creeping.

Me: What are you doing down here?

Andy: Um, I have a question.

Me: What?

Andy: Um, nothing.

Me: Well then what are you doing down here Andy?

Andy: Um, I have a question.

Me: WHAT?!?

Andy: Um, um.....how do...how do elephants drink water through their trunks?

Me: Seriously? You got out of bed and came down two flights of stairs to ask me that?

Andy: Yes.

Me: (sigh) They suck the water into their noses and squirt it into their mouths.

Andy: Okay. Goodnight.

is there a connection here?

2010-10-18T20:08:00.005-04:00

We were looking at pictures from our Fort Myers trip and one photo is us with my Grammy in her room at the nursing home. On her wall is an enlarged photograph of the sailboat she shared with my Grandad.

Andy: Look at that big sailboat!

Me: That's Gandalf.

Andy: What's Gandalf?

Me: That was the name of the sailboat.

Andy: Did you ride on the sailboat?

Me: Yes, my grandparents used to take me out sailing overnight.

Andy: Who drove the sailboat?

Me: My granddaddy.

Andy: Oh. Were there cookies on the sailboat?

intruder alert

2010-10-17T21:19:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I opened the windows in Andy's room to let the cool autumn breezes blow through and air out the funk of little boy socks. I noticed a stink bug crawling on the screen but it wasn't hurting anything so I let it go about its business.

Meanwhile, downstairs Andy was misbehaving. I scolded him. He got mad at me and stomped off to his room to sulk. I went outside to enjoy the blue sky.

A few minutes later a tearful Andy came hurriedly out the door to find me.

Me: What's the matter, Andy?

Andy, angrily: There's a bug in my room and I want it removed immediately!!

we wish

2010-10-03T09:16:00.001-04:00

We are enjoying a week down at the Fort Myers Beach condo with the kids and my family. Getting here was an adventure, with Benji suffering terrible ear pain on the airplane and Andy spitting his head open before we were even unpacked (necessitating a frantic, bloody trip to the nearest beach clinic).

As we wearily ushered our progeny onto the airplane at 8am, Andy dawdled. I encouraged him through the airplane doors and into the cabin.

"Go on, buddy," I said. "Let's go find our seats."

Andy stopped walking, jumped into the nearest first-class leather chair and said, "This is a good one, Mommy! Let's sit here!"

after the screaming

2010-09-27T17:28:00.004-04:00

Andy got too rough with Ben. Ben cried hard, then got over it. But to make it up to him, Andy tried to be brotherly, and wanted my approval for doing so.

"Mommy, I kissed him for punching him the eye. Can you say, 'That's politeful?'"

physicist for hire

2010-09-24T16:08:00.002-04:00

Andy: Mommy, is Christmas coming in two days?

Me: No, Andy.

Andy: Why not?

Me: Because it isn't, honey. I can't make time speed up.

Andy: Well, I don't know about that.

duh, mom

2010-09-19T16:22:00.002-04:00

Today we were talking about last year's train ride with Aunt Janelle and Uncle Mike.

Me: Andy, do you remember last year when we rode in that caboose?

Andy: Yeah I do.

Me, unsure: Do you?

Andy: Yeah, cuz I was there.

buds

2010-09-10T19:34:00.004-04:00

Andy: I met a new friend today.

Me: You did? What's his name?

Andy: Ashton. He says, "Come on, ding dong!" and then he smacks me in the head.

a man thing?

2010-09-06T09:49:00.002-04:00

Me: Andy, why is your hand in your shorts?

Andy: Because I'm checking if there's any crumbs in my butt.

sub-par

2010-09-02T11:56:00.003-04:00

What did Andy say when I couldn't find any kids for him to play with today?

"I guess I have to be stuck with you."

aye-aye, andy

2010-09-01T21:51:00.004-04:00

At dinner tonight:

Andy: Mommy, is this fish?

Me: Yes, honey. That's Canadian Whitefish.

Andy: Is it a real fish?

Me: Yes, it's a real fish.

Andy: But did you take the eye out?

logic

2010-08-31T17:17:00.004-04:00

Andy: Mommy, I'm tired of listening to you!

Me: Well, tough shizer, Andy. You have to listen to me.

Andy: Why do I have to listen to you?

Me: Because I'm the boss.

Andy: Oh. [silence] When am I going to be the boss?

just stupid

2010-08-23T13:56:00.001-04:00

Andy: OUCH!

Me: Are you alright?

Andy: No I'm not alright! I'm sitting on my own finger!

punished

2010-08-20T13:38:00.002-04:00

Andy got into some trouble at Meme's house. So we came home for some time out.

As he tromped angrily behind me, I heard, "Mommy, I am so mad at you! You and I are NOT having a lovely day!"

yuck

2010-08-20T11:57:00.001-04:00

Me: Andy, you're such a buggar.

Andy: No, I'm not. I'm not even coming out of your nose.

andy's advice of the day

2010-08-12T16:07:00.003-04:00

"You shouldn't pick your teeth because you might accidentally bite your finger."

zoo camp

2010-08-04T08:19:00.002-04:00

"Today at zoo camp we played red light/green light and all the kids went too fast and ran me over and I fell down and then the ladies picked me up and let me stand on the side and then I went into the bathroom and played red light/green light in there and Max said 'Red light!' and I crashed into the garbage can."

Glad I'm getting my money's worth out of zoo camp.

ah, 4-year-olds

2010-08-02T10:40:00.005-04:00

Shawn: Laura, do you want a muffin?

Me: No thanks.

Andy: Hey Daddy?

[Shawn doesn't hear him]

Andy: Daddy?

[Shawn still doesn't hear.]

Andy: Daddy, can you ask me if I want a muffin?

Shawn: Just a minute Andy.

Andy: But Daddy!

Shawn: Hang on, Andy.

Andy: Daddy! Can you ask me if I want a muffin?

Shawn: Andy! Just a minute! I've got my hands full.

Andy: Can somebody ask me if I want a muffin!?!? NOBODY'S ANSWERING ME!

Me: Okay Andy, do you want a muffin?

Andy: No thanks. I'm too busy right now.

short fuse

2010-07-31T09:59:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I took the boys to the park. Andy played while Benji slept. Eventually Ben woke up hungry. I tried to feed him in a quiet corner of the playground, and tried to be discreet, but everywhere I went people followed me, and Ben didn't seem to want to eat under a blanket where it was hot and stuffy. So we had to sit in the car so I could properly nurse the little guy. To make it up to Andy, I offered to take him to Dairy Queen.

I guess Ben wasn't full yet, though, because he started griping. By the time we hit Elm Grove he was downright honked and began to yowl like a Siamese.

Andy cried, "Mommy! Benjamin's hungry!"

"I know, Andy," I said. "He's just going to have to deal with it for a few minutes until we get home."

At this, Benji started to make what I call the angry goat noise. (Big inhale, followed by a screech that turns into an enraged, quivering bleat.) Andy hates it when Benji cries, and sits in his car seat turning red, yanking on his own hair, kicking the seat and having a hissy fit of his own because he can't handle it. (Now he knows how we felt when he was a baby.)

I looked in the rear view mirror and Andy's hands were on his ears and his face was scarlet.

"Benjamin!" he cried. "Deal with it!"

I said, "Andy, he's a baby and he's hungry."

"But he's not dealing with it!"

Benji let out another howl.

"Benjamin! DEAL WITH IT!"

Howl.

"BENJAMIN! I SAID DEAL WITH IT! YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH IT! DEAL WITH IT!"

Needless to say, Benjamin never dealt with it.

Andy didn't deal with it so well either.

aggressive much?

2010-07-30T09:58:00.003-04:00

Me: I love pelicans.

Andy: I love to punch them in the nose.

cheese with your whine?

2010-07-29T10:21:00.006-04:00

I think Andy is having a hard time adjusting to life with a little brother, having to share the spotlight and share the available parental attention. He's doing his best, but his emotions are running a tad high and they seem to have a hair trigger. He melts down quite easily. (More easily than normal, that is.)

Yesterday he asked for a banana. I was feeding Benji so I told him to go upstairs and pull a chair up to the counter and get his own banana. He's perfectly capable of doing this.

I heard a great deal of thudding and tromping and thonking, following by one big wham! on the kitchen floor. I knew this was the snowball which would set off the meltdown avalanche, and sure enough, he came down the stairs in tears.

"What's wrong Andy?" I asked him.

He could barely talk because he was focusing so much energy on his over-dramatic whining.

Finally I heard, "I dropped the greenie!"

"What?"

"I dropped the greenie Mommy!"

"The what?"

"The greenie!" And he threw himself down on the floor.

I put an irritated Benjamin down and went over to Andy and plucked him up off the floor. "What is a greenie, Andy?"

He answered, "That big green banana up in the kitchen."

We don't have any green bananas. They are all quite yellow and spotty and of a normal size. So I grabbed Benji and went upstairs to find the world's biggest zucchini on the kitchen floor, and zucchini guts all over the chair he'd used to retrieve it. In addition, there were three semi-peeled bananas smashed on the counter.

None of which he would touch. While I was cleaning up the banana mess he went back downstairs. I found him eating Nutter Butters.

told ya so

2010-07-15T14:41:00.005-04:00

Remember the movie "The Rescuers"? It was about a little unloved orphan girl who gets kidnapped by some evil people who own mean alligators. And they force her to go down into a sea cave to look for a diamond every day. And eventually two little mice (voiced by Eva Gabor and Bob Newhart) come along and save her. We got the movie long ago, before we realized it was totally inappropriate for a 3 or 4-year-old. But of course Andy found out it was hiding in his DVD case, waiting to be watched. And so the bugging began.

Monday: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"No. It's too scary for you."

Tuesday: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"No. It'll scare you."

Wednesday: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"No. It's going to upset you."

Thursday: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"NO ANDY!"

Friday: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"Fine! You can watch it tomorrow. But it's going to scare you!"
"No it won't!"

I manage to put him off for one more week until....

Today: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"Yes. Fine."

I put in the dvd and hit play. The movie starts with a sad little girl singing a sad song and throwing a "rescue me" bottle with a note into the bayou. And a shot of the mean alligators.

12 seconds elapse.

Andy bursts into tears.

And it's over.

shawn created this

2010-07-08T12:46:00.002-04:00

"Daddy, hang on while I get a book so I can smack you in the stomach!"

temper, temper

2010-07-04T16:46:00.002-04:00

During one of today's self-pitying temper tantrums:

Andy: I'm a beautiful boy but nobody loves me!

it's true

2010-07-01T22:03:00.002-04:00

I've had the baby, so our lives have changed quite a bit.

However, Andy's sense of humor (if you can call it that) has not changed.

We were sitting in the backyard this afternoon, Andy in the sandbox and I in a chair while baby Benjamin napped in his car seat. When he started to wake up I said, "Andy, I'm going to go feed Benji up on the porch so I can have some privacy."

He replied, "Okay Mommy. Nobody wants to see your boob."

how thoughtful

2010-06-14T10:22:00.002-04:00

This morning while we were eating breakfast Andy and I were playing my iPod. When Lady Gaga came on, Andy asked, "What's this one about Mommy?"

I said, "This one is called Poker Face."

He went back to eating his cereal.

After a few minutes, when the final chorus of the song came on, he said, "Mommy, I would never poke your face."

i swear he is

2010-06-07T15:55:00.001-04:00

Me: Andy, you are grumpy!

Andy: AAAARGH!!!!! NO! I REALLY ABSOLUTELY AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

reality check

2010-06-04T09:03:00.004-04:00

In the past few months we've employed all sorts of techniques to help Andy feel comfortable in the dark at bedtime. It's normal at this age for preschoolers to have nightmares and fears of the dark, so we've given him a bottle of "Monster Spray" that he can use to target any wild monsters that might appear in his room. Actually, he's been quick to tell me, the spray melts them on contact. We've had a good deal of success with Monster Spray in the evenings.

Of course where you have a little boy and a spray bottle of water, you have the potential for silliness and a bit of a soggy mess. The spraying of the monsters has rapidly de-evolved into a squirting game. Shawn gets into the act, too, and gets pretty goofy. There's a lot of hooting and hollering when all I want is for everybody to be calm and quiet and to get into bed.

Last night they got especially silly, and Shawn grabbed the Monster Spray bottle and squirted Andy. He was expecting Andy to grab the bottle back and retaliate.

Instead, Andy froze. Then he burst into tears of terror and shouted fearfully, "Oh no! Now I'm going to melt!"

handed my hat

2010-05-31T10:46:00.003-04:00

This is Memorial Day, so we're all moving slowly and lazily. Andy and I were sitting on the patio furniture when he heard his Meme stirring next door. He immediately hopped up and ran to her porch to visit with her. Within a matter of minutes he was ensconced in cozy blankets on the deck and she was reading to him.

He loves this. It's his favorite activity in the world, with his favorite person in the world.

I went over after a few minutes to make sure he was behaving himself. Meme stopped reading the book and we said good morning and such. Andy was visibly annoyed at the interruption. When he could stand it no longer he said, "Mommy, can you stop talking to Meme now so she can read me my book?"

I said, "Okay buddy", and stopped talking.

Then Andy pointed to Shawn sitting back on our own porch and dismissively said, "Why don't you go talk to Daddy over there? He looks lonely."

And thus I was shown the door.

seriously, shut up

2010-05-28T21:27:00.006-04:00

Andy has been a serious chatterbox lately. Well, he's always a chatterbox, but it seems like the past few months have been excessively talkative. To the point where we want to scream and put some food in his mouth. He literally cannot shut up.

Tonight we went to the grocery store and of course Andy blabbered for the entire hour we spent shopping. By the end of the trip our ears were fried. As we drove home, the running dialogue continued until our ears were ready to bleed.

"Mommy, I'm scared of the black clouds."

"Mommy, what is that duck doing?"

"Mommy what kind of car do you have?"

"Mommy is that man wearing his seat belt?"

I answered every question as evenly as I could without losing my cool, because as I said, this has been going on for months (years) and I am really, really pregnant and uncomfortable and grouchy.

Finally he asked, "Mommy, is that storm going to hit us?"

I said, "No honey, I think it broke up."

"What is 'broke up?'"

I said, "It means the storm fell apart and blew away."

"Who blew it away?"

Exasperated with the millionth question of the night, I said, "God, Andy. God blew it away."

"God?"

"Yes, God blew the storm away."

Andy smiled and said, "Good old God!"

horrors

2010-05-25T22:14:00.003-04:00

On Saturday Shawn took Andy to Walmart so I could have a break.

The aisles in Walmart are fairly narrow, and Shawn had a little run-in with a fellow shopper. He and a lady were standing back-to-back and both bent over at the same time. Consequently, they bumped posteriors and were both knocked off-balance, almost falling over. Shawn was terribly embarrassed to have just crashed his butt into a strange lady and they both laughed nervously about it when they regained their composure.

Sitting in the cart, Andy watched the whole thing. He cackled.

Then he exclaimed, "You FATTIES!"

he's on to me

2010-05-14T14:14:00.001-04:00

Andy: Mommy can you read me this book?

Me: Sure, Andy.

Andy: Yeah, and try not to skip any pages!

chubba dubba doo

2010-05-07T15:06:00.003-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I was hurriedly cleaning up the house in anticipation of Uncle Thomas's arrival. I went from room to room rather frantically, picking up what I could, and of course Andy followed me everywhere I went and got in my way.

While I was picking up junk in his bedroom he patted my ever-expanding posterior and said, "I like your squishy butt, Mommy!"

I said, "Andy, ladies don't really like it when you tell them they have squishy butts."

He patted my rump again and said, "Oh, I'm sorry....Mommy, I like your pretty butt!"

streppy

2010-05-04T09:24:00.004-04:00

Andy was diagnosed with strep throat last night. Fortunately the fever has broken and he is no longer contagious. He was a limp noodle for a while but now his attitude is coming back, a sure sign that he's on the mend.

[sitting on the Lazy Boy together, watching cartoons]

Andy: Wanna smell my foot? (He sticks his toes in my face.)

Me: NO!

Andy: Smell it!

Me: NO! Andy, get your feet out of my face!

Andy: Wanna smell my leg? (He sticks his calf in my face.)

Me: No, Andy.

Andy: Wanna smell my pj's?

Me: No. Why would I want to smell your pj's, Andy? I don't want to smell anything.

He smacks his forehead.

Andy: D'oh! That's no good!

spinners

2010-04-30T17:36:00.004-04:00

Every year at this time one of the trees in our yard rains down what we call "helicopters". It's a maple tree and the seeds have sails on them. They come spinning down by the thousands, particularly on a windy day such as today. We watched them fall for hours and Andy loved it.

Meanwhile, it's hot enough that Andy and Uncle Davey got into a hose fight and soaked each other and everything within a twelve-block radius. So they sat in the sun and dried off for a while, but inevitably a little boy ends up naked in the backyard in the summer. (At least mine does.)

So the wet clothing came off and I wasn't able to convince him to get dressed. In fact, it became such a fight that I gave up and simply hoped the elderly neighbors weren't too offended. Meanwhile, Andy began racing around in the buff, chasing these helicopters as they flew down from the maple tree.

He stopped for a moment to talk to me, then reached behind him, produced a helicopter and excitedly said, "Hey! Whaddya know? Look what was in my butt!"

cheese

2010-04-28T13:47:00.001-04:00

Me: Andy, do you want some cheese?

Andy, sighing irritably: No....(sigh). I don't want any cheese. I'm not a mouse.

hose job

2010-04-27T14:37:00.001-04:00

Our little trip to Niagara Falls over 3 days has wreaked havoc in our household. Though he probably doesn't realize it, subconsciously Andy is upset that we left him. And his behavior has indicated as much over the past few days.

We returned from our trip Sunday evening. Monday morning Andy woke up in tears, saying he was hot and had a stomach ache. I immediately went into The-Preschooler's-Going-To-Vomit Mode. Though he had no fever, he seemed listless and whiny. But he asked for Cheerios for breakfast, which should have clued me in.

Shawn went off to work and I called Andy and myself in sick to our respective school and work places. Andy lay on the couch saying he didn't feel well enough to go to school.

After about 20 minutes he got up off the couch and retrieved his new train. I began to get suspicious. I asked, "Andy, how's your tum?"

He replied, "It's doing great!" Then, upon seeing my raised eyebrow, he quickly corrected himself. "I think it still really hurts though."

I was quiet for a moment.

Then I mumbled, "Maybe we should go to Dairy Queen later...."

His head shot up off the couch like a rocket.

"Maybe we should go to Dairy Queen now!!"

Five minutes later we were in the car on our way to school.

all-time backfire

2010-04-14T19:14:00.005-04:00

Andy is potty trained. (Hallelujah!)

But that didn't happen overnight. It took a lot of work and I washed a lot of clothing in the process. There were some really gross moments, and they have served to make every flush of the potty that much sweeter.

One technique I employed when I was truly desperate was to let Andy pick the tree of his choice in our backyard and pee on it. He was so thrilled at the prospect that it pretty much ended all outside accidents. The problem, of course, is that now that it's all over, he still loves to pee on the trees. He's a boy. They like to pee on things.

So I just maintain a light-hearted attitude and let it go. As long as he's not peeing on trees at the park, we're okay. I figure it gives the neighbors a kick (or a shock).

But tonight it really backfired. I was cleaning up the kitchen and Andy went out on the porch to play. Suddenly I looked out the door and there was his bare butt, pants around his ankles, peeing right off the porch. He was laughing as it arced through the air and landed a story below, in my wheelbarrow.

dude! it's water weight!

2010-03-31T18:18:00.006-04:00

Last night Andy was fresh out of the shower and he was running around naked like a wild man. And it was so dang cute that I had to pinch his little bum.

I said, "Andy, I love those cute little butt cheeks!"

He said, "Thanks Mommy. And I love your big fat butt cheeks!"

circus days

2010-03-31T09:17:00.001-04:00

Andy's exact words when they turned off the lights and turned on the music at his first circus:

[with huge tears streaming down his face]

"Oh my God! Get me out of here!"

i heard that

2010-03-25T13:59:00.001-04:00

Me: Andy! Stop playing with the water cooler! NOW!

Andy, under his breath: Stupid Mommy....

Me: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY???

Andy: I said........'pretty mommy!'

ah, memories

2010-03-25T13:29:00.006-04:00

Recently Andy has recalled the time he flushed his little toy car, Lightning McQueen (from the movie Cars) down the potty. It was very traumatic, and I had to call a plummer to snake the drain in case the pipes were blocked. And Andy cried for hours about his lost car. Sobbed like his little heart was broken. We had to go to Target and buy another.

Over a year later, he's been talking about that incident. He's asked where Lightning McQueen went and I've had to re-hash the whole thing several times. Fortunately he's no longer upset about it; he is curious, though.

Andy: Mommy where did Lightning McQueen go when I dropped him in the potty?

Me: He went into the pipes.

Andy: Is he still there?

Me: No, Andy. He went through the pipes into the sewer.

Andy: What is a sewer?

[Insert a long, complication discussion about sewers here. Include descriptions of pipes, where they go, what happens in the pipes, what travels through the pipes and where the pipes end up.]

Me:...and that's what a sewer is, Andy.

Andy: Oh.

[silence]

Andy: Mommy?

Me: Yes?

Andy: Can you get naked and get in the potty and get my Lightning McQueen back?

Me: Andy, I already told you that Lightning McQueen is gone. He's not in the potty any longer.

Andy: You need to get naked and get him.

(Why do I have to be naked?)

making friends at the restaurant

2010-03-13T08:49:00.004-05:00

After we finished our meal I knew Andy had to use the potty. I took him into the ladies room and he asked for privacy. So I stood outside the stall holding the door shut while he did his thing, which took 15 minutes. (My arm got really tired.)

A lady came in to use the restroom too. Andy heard me say hello.

Andy (from behind his stall door): What's your name?

The lady laughed.

Andy: I'm pooping!

Lady: Sometimes we all have to do that.

Andy: When I poop on the potty Mommy gives me a poopy prize.

(pause)

Andy: Okay Mommy. You can wipe me now.

nudie

2010-03-13T08:45:00.002-05:00

The new baby's room got carpet this week, and it's a wild toddler's dream because it's a big room with nothing in it except a soft, squishy floor. Andy loves to play in there, specifically to run around.

On Wednesday evening he said, "Mommy, can I take all of my clothing off and run around naked in the baby's room?"

I let him.