canine tosis

Maya, our shepherd, has terrible dog breath. Today we were talking about it, and about the other dogs we've had. Andy asked about our Doberman Pinscher.

Andy: Did Suey smell, Mommy?

Me: No Andy, she didn't usually have dog breath.

Andy: Oh. Did she have person breath?

massive parenting fail

Andy and I were having a discussion about the Amish. I explained that they don't use cars or phones or radios or television.

Andy: Well then what do they watch?

Me: They don't watch tv honey.

Andy: They don't watch anything?

Me: They don't watch any tv at all.

Andy: Well, then they never feel happy!


It may be time for a change.

what am i

Andy's new favorite game is called "What Animal Am I?" He created it himself. We've been playing it for a few days.

Then it morphed into a boys' game: What Machine Am I? This one is tougher for me. He's a train. He's a digger. He's a road paving machine. He's a computer. (He sat on the ground and beeped.)

Next it became "What Dude Am I?"

Finally it was "What Old Thing Am I?" This was ridiculous. First he was a garbage can. (I can't imagine why I couldn't guess that.) Then he curled into a ball on the floor.

Me: Andy, you've got to give me a clue. You're not even moving.

Andy: You know why? I'm a penny!

good advice

"Ben! Remind yourself that you're being rude!"

a [stupid] tradition dies

My husband loves The Three Stooges. He used to watch it with his own dad, and he had greatly hoped to share the tradition with his own boys.

I don't think it's going to work, though. Tonight Shawn put on the Stooges for Andy. I came down to the basement to see Andy sitting on the ottoman with a cookie in his hand, staring at Moe punching Curly in the stomach as they all ran from a mummy.

I asked, "Andy, do you think this is funny or do you think this is stupid?"

He answered, "I think it's stupid. It's just a bunch of old guys punching each other."

thanks for pointing that out

"Mommy, when you took your hand out of your mouth, um, I saw some slobber."

careful editing

As I picked up Andy...

Me: Andy, how was school today?

Andy: Great! I didn't even get in trouble this time.

disaster averted, for now

Today I got a warning.

Andy: Mommy, bad news. Every time you don't feed me I'll starve.

spaghetti

Andy was eating spaghetti and wanted a little Parmesan for his pasta.

"Mommy, could I please have some of that pharmacy on cheese?"

i've had it

Me: Andy, you are making me mad.

Andy, casually: I'm making everybody mad except myself.

urologist approved

Ever since our guinea pig came home from the pet store pregnant, there have been questions.

The parenting resources tell us to answer questions honestly but succinctly. We've explained to Andy that our male guinea pig cannot father any babies because he is neutered.

It sort of translates to humans.

Andy: Mommy, are you going to have another baby since there's one mom and one dad?

Mommy: No, Andy.

Andy: Oh, did Daddy already get neutered?

so, that's a no

Me: Andy, did you eat those crackers I gave you for your snack yesterday? Did you like them?

Andy: Yes, but they don't taste like anything good.

theology lesson

Andy: So, in Heaven does God yell at you?

Me: No, honey.

Andy: Ever? He never yells at you even if you do something bad?

Me: No, Andy.

Andy: Wow, that's where I need to be. I can't wait for everybody to die!

thanks a heap

Me, trying on a brand new, rather short dress: How do I look, Andy?

Andy, smiling: Great! You look just like an old mommy!

i think he's confused

Yesterday we went to the Good Zoo with Uncle Davey and Aunt Sonya. The kids had fun, and Andy recognized some friends. Having spent three weeks in zoo camp over the summer, he became a camp counselor favorite and all of young, female zoo employees in the Education Department know him. And love him, because everybody loves Andy, it seems.

As we walked around, a group of them went by on a golf cart. They stopped to talk to and to hug Andy. About an hour later, we were down at the wetlands exhibit. Andy and Ben were running around when the same golf cart went by again. I heard a female chorus shout, "Hi, Andy!"

Andy stopped and waved and shouted back.

Me: Andy, were those your buddies again?

Andy: Yeah, those were my waitresses from zoo camp this summer.

am i?

Me: Hello, young one.

Andy: Hello, old one.

how about no?

Andy came into the bedroom the other night around 10pm. He already had a sneaky look in his eye.

Andy: Mommy, I'm scared.

Me: Of what?

Andy: I don't know.

At this point he launched into an explanation while simultaneously but not so surreptitiously crawling over Shawn and began to inch his way under the covers between us.

Andy: Can I sleep in here from now on?

Me: Honey, you have all of your stuff in your room. You have your hermit crabs and your monster spray and your stuffed manatees.

Andy: Well, I can move them all in here.

solicitation

Me: Andy, Ben's teeth really hurt and he's in a lot of pain. Can you be an extra sweet big brother and play with him so he doesn't think about his molars?

Andy: If I play with my brother are you gonna give me lots of money?

tmi

Shawn said, "Look, Laura. Ben's clenching his fists."

Andy interjected, "And I'm clenching my butt!"

understatement

I was watching "Castaway".

Halfway through, Andy said, "This guy's having a rough day."

when it's midnight on the....oh forget it

The other day Andy and I were having Andy-Mommy time, something that is severely lacking since Benjamin the Little Upstart, Ruiner of Fun and Parental Attention Thief came along. I've been trying hard lately to make certain Andy has some unadulterated one-on-one moments with me. So we played tag in the evening and caught lightning bugs. And then we laid in the grass and looked at the sky.

Andy: Let's talk, Mommy.

We talked about when he was a baby and I told him about a song my dad used to sing to me when I was a wee lass: "The Pony Man" by Gordon Lightfoot.

Andy: How does it go, Mommy?

Me: You want me to sing it?

Andy: Yes!

I started singing "The Pony Man", which has at least seven or eight stanzas. I'm not much of a singer, so it wasn't very good. But I did it because my kid was enthused.

However, by stanza two, Andy was restless.

By stanza three, Andy sighed.

At the start of stanza four, he interrupted me.

Andy: Um....Mommy?

Me: Yes, Andy?

Andy: Um....how long is this song gonna take?

the proudest mama

Me, picking up Andy from zoo camp: Andy, how was camp today?

Andy: Great! I didn't grab my crotch one time Mommy!

on the road....or just a man?

Me: Hey Andy, we're stopping at this rest stop. Do you need to pee?

Andy: Yes! I've really gotta go! I've been holding my penis for hours!

oh, well in that case....

Andy: Mommy, can I swim in my pool?

Me: Are you really going to swim in it, Andy? Because it takes a while to inflate it and clean it out and fill it with water. It's a lot of work for me.

Andy: That's okay, Mommy. I don't mind.

wordy

On Thursday...

Andy: How did you sleep, Mommy?

Me: I slept exceedingly well, Andy.



On Friday...

Me: How did you sleep, Andy?

Andy: I slept ingrediently well, Mommy.

when shawn tried to play

Andy said, "No Daddy. I don't want to deal with you right now."

busted

Andy: Daddy, you need to go to school.

Shawn: I already went to school, buddy.

Andy: But you need to go back to school to learn how not to mow over Mommy's flowers.

jokey

Andy has a book that was mine as a kid. It's called "The Giggle Book". It's full of fairly inane knock-knock jokes and ridiculous puns. It almost pains me to read it because it's so dumb, but I remember loving it when I was young as much as he does now.

Thing is, he doesn't really "get" jokes. I have to explain each one, and he still doesn't really understand. The phrase "barking lot" doesn't mean anything to him, and he doesn't appreciate why a giraffe with a sore throat is so ironic.

For example:

Me: Knock, knock.

Andy: Who's there?

Me: Amos.

Andy: Amos who?

Me: Amos-quito just bit me.

Andy: Haha. That's funny.

Me: Yeah...do you get it?

Andy: Yeah. Haha.

(pause)

Andy: So, who's Amos?

*********************

After I explained Amos to him, he hit me with pun of his own.

Andy: Knock, knock.

Me: Who's there?

Andy: Chicken.

Me: Chicken who?

Andy: Chicken butt.

just you wait, part deux

Andy: Daddy, why are you so furry?

Shawn: It just happens, buddy.

Me: It happens when you grow up.

Andy: When I grow up I'm going to be furry. And I'm going to have an iPhone.

just you wait

"Daddy, why are you so hairy?"

paint peeler

The first super-warm day of spring wasn't as great as we'd hoped, because Andy seemed to have it in for his little brother. Consequently, he spent more than a few minutes up in his room, often staring down at us in the backyard angrily from his window.

At bedtime, I went into his room to lower his shades. There on the floor below the window were hundreds of paint chips.

I said, "Andy! What did you do?"

He said matter-of-factly, "Oh yeah. I peeled a bunch of paint off the wall when I was in time out. It gave me something to do."

Obviously I wasn't happy, and told him as much, trying to emphasize how unacceptable this was.

He answered, in a very sensible tone, "Mommy, you don't have to look at it."

he speaks the truth

"Daddy, your car is really grody.

Look, there's sand on the floor. And leaves. And paper.

It's disgusting.

You really need to clean out your car."

funnies

While we were getting out of the car and gathering up our things, Andy stopped.

Andy: Wait, Mommy! I have to get my coat!

Me: Andy, you're already wearing your coat.

Andy: Oh. You're right! I hornswaggled myself!

underoos

Andy comes down the stairs in his underwear.

Shawn: Where's your clothes?

Andy: My leg was so itchy I had to take my pants off.

blame it on the intangible

Me: Andy, why are you bombarding me with questions when you should be eating your breakfast? You're already late for school.

Andy: That's because my naughty energy kept letting out silly questions.

i'm glad somebody said it

Andy: Daddy, how old are you?

Shawn: Thirty-eight.

Andy: How old is Mommy?

Shawn: Thirty-one.

[pause]

Andy: Wow, Daddy. You're a lot older than Mommy.

PhDuh, ma

Andy: I don't want to go to school.

Me: Sorry buddy. You have to.

Andy: But why?

Me, trying to make it simple: Because it's the law; children have to go to school.

Andy, whining: But I know everything.

blab

Andy: Daddy! We're getting you wine for your birthday!

no. no i won't.

"Mommy, when I'm older will you help me eat my tongue?"

show me some love, Lancelot

Andy, today after school: Mommy, I'm going to be really nice to Benjamin because today we learned about Martin Luther King Arthur and how he wanted us all to love each other.

priorities

Andy: Mommy, can you go get me a CapriSun?

Me: No, Andy. Why don't you get it yourself?

Andy: I can't. I have to watch this show.

last night

The time: 4 a.m.

The place: Our bed.

We wake up to the sound of Andy wrestling with our doorknob. When he gets the door open he comes in and lurks beside a half-sleeping Shawn. He mumbles something about being afraid and Shawn pulls him into bed and we all go back to sleep.

Half an hour later, Shawn wakes himself up enough to take Andy back to bed.

Shawn: What was the matter, buddy? Why did you come into our room?

Andy: I was scared.

Shawn: Why?

Andy: I heard a honking noise and it scared me.

Shawn: A honking noise?

Andy: Yeah. [pause] Oh wait, it was me. I tooted.

And he smiled at Shawn.

grrreat

Andy: Mommy, this is a pretty house. Who built our house?

Me: Well, your great, great, great grandfather built this house.

Andy: Oh...why was he so great?