checklist round deux

Last night Andy had obviously been working on his excuses. We put him in bed and went into our own bedroom to watch Monday Night Football.

Shortly thereafter, we heard our doorknob rattle as he tried to get his sweaty little hands around it. Shawn finally got up and opened the door. There he was, in his footy pajamas.

Me: What do you need, Andy?

Andy: Um...Mommy?

Me: Yes?

Andy: What happens if we run out of baby food?

Me: Andy, please stop getting out of bed to ask me these pointless questions. Please go to bed. I am tired of this. I want you to stay in your room.

Andy: Okay, Mommy.

Me: Goodnight, Andy.

Andy: But Mommy?

Me, exasperated and defeated: Yes, Andy?

Andy: How do you spell lamp?

checklist

Last night after we put the boys to bed, we knew we hadn't seen the last of Andy. We can always pick out the nights when he's not going to stay in his bed. Sure enough, 20 minutes after saying 'goodnight' we heard footsteps as he came down to find us.

Or rather, to stall.

I heard him on the stairs but couldn't see him. He sat there for 5 minutes. I waited for him to peek around the corner. He finally did.

Me: What's the problem Andy? Why aren't you in your bed?

Andy: Um......um.....[clearly trying to think of a good reason why he wasn't in his bed]...I think I don't feel well.

Me: Andy, you're fine.

Andy: Well, um.......I think I had a bad dream.

Me: Andy, you haven't even gone to bed yet.

Andy: Well, I heard a noise and I'm scared.

Me: Andy! Go to bed!

Andy: But I can't find my book.

Me: Andy!

Andy: Okay, Mommy. G'night.

huh?

Andy was going on and on about something that was really none of his business. I put up with it for a while and then told him I'd had enough.

Me: Okay, Andy. Just let it go.

Andy: Okay I just....don't have a zipper on my mouth.

ready for the nursing home, obviously

Yesterday Andy and I were sitting at the dinner table finishing up our meals. I began to look around for my phone as it had disappeared.

Andy said, "Mommy, what are you looking for?"

"My telephone, Andy."

He said, "Oh."

Eventually as we were doing the dishes I found my phone and set it on the table. Andy looked down at it and said, "That's an iPhone, Mommy."

I said, "Yes, Andy. I told you I was looking for my telephone, right?"

"But that's an iPhone, Mommy." Then he looked at me pityingly, and said in his most polite voice, "That's okay Mommy. You were just confused."

boy humor

After school today we were running errands and telling jokes.

Andy: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Close the door, I'm dressing!

Me: What do you call a carton full of ducks? A box of quackers!

Andy: What did the car say to the baker?

Me: Um, I don't know, Andy.

Andy: I'll run over you.

fortunately, no

Last evening I was getting Andy ready for bed. Since Shawn is away for a few weeks I am trying to do as much multi-tasking as I can to get things done with two little children. So while I was toweling him off after his bath, I already had the toothbrush ready to go. Actually I had the handle in my mouth so I had two free hands.

When I was done drying him he took the initiative and grabbed the toothbrush from out of my mouth.

Actually the word is "ripped". He ripped his toothbrush out of my mouth.

I yelled, "Ow!"

He got a deeply concerned look on his face and said, "I'm so sorry, Mommy! Did I take out some of your teeth?"

oh-tell

Shawn is out of town, staying in a hotel.

Andy thinks his Daddy is staying in a show-and-tell. He asked me what Daddy was bringing for everybody to see.

whacked

Yesterday we had an unfortunate accident that resulted in Ben being run over by a train.

Granted, it was a toy train, but it was a big one. It was a box car, actually, with sharp corners. Andy was playing engineer over on the couch and Benjamin was lying happily in his gym. Somehow the engineer lost control of his train and it wheeled off down the tracks, took a dive through the air and smashed right into Benji's eye. Well, thankfully it was actually his eyelid. There was crying, screaming and bleeding. Ben actually stopped crying after about seven seconds, but Andy's anguish at injuring his beloved little brother was longer-lasting.

Eventually I got the ointment dispensed and the crying under control, and we were off in the car for a playdate. Looking in the rear view mirror I asked Andy, "What's Benjamin doing back there, buddy?"

Andy replied, "Aww....he's smiling at me, Mommy! He's smiling at me with his forehead bleeding."

i just might

Andy was throwing a giant rubber ball around his room this afternoon. It was making me really nervous.

I said, "If you break the ceiling fan I'm going to be really ticked off."

He said, "And then you'll throw me out of town?"

trunk space

We put Andy to bed at 8:45 tonight. At 8:55 we were sitting in the basement and Shawn looked at me and said, "Look over on the stairs." And there was Andy, peeking around the corner. I don't even know how he heard Andy coming, since Andy was creeping.

Me: What are you doing down here?

Andy: Um, I have a question.

Me: What?

Andy: Um, nothing.

Me: Well then what are you doing down here Andy?

Andy: Um, I have a question.

Me: WHAT?!?

Andy: Um, um.....how do...how do elephants drink water through their trunks?

Me: Seriously? You got out of bed and came down two flights of stairs to ask me that?

Andy: Yes.

Me: (sigh) They suck the water into their noses and squirt it into their mouths.

Andy: Okay. Goodnight.

is there a connection here?

We were looking at pictures from our Fort Myers trip and one photo is us with my Grammy in her room at the nursing home. On her wall is an enlarged photograph of the sailboat she shared with my Grandad.

Andy: Look at that big sailboat!

Me: That's Gandalf.

Andy: What's Gandalf?

Me: That was the name of the sailboat.

Andy: Did you ride on the sailboat?

Me: Yes, my grandparents used to take me out sailing overnight.

Andy: Who drove the sailboat?

Me: My granddaddy.

Andy: Oh. Were there cookies on the sailboat?

intruder alert

Yesterday I opened the windows in Andy's room to let the cool autumn breezes blow through and air out the funk of little boy socks. I noticed a stink bug crawling on the screen but it wasn't hurting anything so I let it go about its business.

Meanwhile, downstairs Andy was misbehaving. I scolded him. He got mad at me and stomped off to his room to sulk. I went outside to enjoy the blue sky.

A few minutes later a tearful Andy came hurriedly out the door to find me.

Me: What's the matter, Andy?

Andy, angrily: There's a bug in my room and I want it removed immediately!!

we wish

We are enjoying a week down at the Fort Myers Beach condo with the kids and my family. Getting here was an adventure, with Benji suffering terrible ear pain on the airplane and Andy spitting his head open before we were even unpacked (necessitating a frantic, bloody trip to the nearest beach clinic).

As we wearily ushered our progeny onto the airplane at 8am, Andy dawdled. I encouraged him through the airplane doors and into the cabin.

"Go on, buddy," I said. "Let's go find our seats."

Andy stopped walking, jumped into the nearest first-class leather chair and said, "This is a good one, Mommy! Let's sit here!"

after the screaming

Andy got too rough with Ben. Ben cried hard, then got over it. But to make it up to him, Andy tried to be brotherly, and wanted my approval for doing so.

"Mommy, I kissed him for punching him the eye. Can you say, 'That's politeful?'"

physicist for hire

Andy: Mommy, is Christmas coming in two days?

Me: No, Andy.

Andy: Why not?

Me: Because it isn't, honey. I can't make time speed up.

Andy: Well, I don't know about that.

duh, mom

Today we were talking about last year's train ride with Aunt Janelle and Uncle Mike.

Me: Andy, do you remember last year when we rode in that caboose?

Andy: Yeah I do.

Me, unsure: Do you?

Andy: Yeah, cuz I was there.

buds

Andy: I met a new friend today.

Me: You did? What's his name?

Andy: Ashton. He says, "Come on, ding dong!" and then he smacks me in the head.

a man thing?

Me: Andy, why is your hand in your shorts?

Andy: Because I'm checking if there's any crumbs in my butt.

sub-par

What did Andy say when I couldn't find any kids for him to play with today?

"I guess I have to be stuck with you."

aye-aye, andy

At dinner tonight:

Andy: Mommy, is this fish?

Me: Yes, honey. That's Canadian Whitefish.

Andy: Is it a real fish?

Me: Yes, it's a real fish.

Andy: But did you take the eye out?

logic

Andy: Mommy, I'm tired of listening to you!

Me: Well, tough shizer, Andy. You have to listen to me.

Andy: Why do I have to listen to you?

Me: Because I'm the boss.

Andy: Oh. [silence] When am I going to be the boss?

just stupid

Andy: OUCH!

Me: Are you alright?

Andy: No I'm not alright! I'm sitting on my own finger!

punished

Andy got into some trouble at Meme's house. So we came home for some time out.

As he tromped angrily behind me, I heard, "Mommy, I am so mad at you! You and I are NOT having a lovely day!"

yuck

Me: Andy, you're such a buggar.

Andy: No, I'm not. I'm not even coming out of your nose.

andy's advice of the day

"You shouldn't pick your teeth because you might accidentally bite your finger."

zoo camp

"Today at zoo camp we played red light/green light and all the kids went too fast and ran me over and I fell down and then the ladies picked me up and let me stand on the side and then I went into the bathroom and played red light/green light in there and Max said 'Red light!' and I crashed into the garbage can."

Glad I'm getting my money's worth out of zoo camp.

ah, 4-year-olds

Shawn: Laura, do you want a muffin?

Me: No thanks.

Andy: Hey Daddy?

[Shawn doesn't hear him]

Andy: Daddy?

[Shawn still doesn't hear.]

Andy: Daddy, can you ask me if I want a muffin?

Shawn: Just a minute Andy.

Andy: But Daddy!

Shawn: Hang on, Andy.

Andy: Daddy! Can you ask me if I want a muffin?

Shawn: Andy! Just a minute! I've got my hands full.

Andy: Can somebody ask me if I want a muffin!?!? NOBODY'S ANSWERING ME!

Me: Okay Andy, do you want a muffin?

Andy: No thanks. I'm too busy right now.

short fuse

Yesterday I took the boys to the park. Andy played while Benji slept. Eventually Ben woke up hungry. I tried to feed him in a quiet corner of the playground, and tried to be discreet, but everywhere I went people followed me, and Ben didn't seem to want to eat under a blanket where it was hot and stuffy. So we had to sit in the car so I could properly nurse the little guy. To make it up to Andy, I offered to take him to Dairy Queen.

I guess Ben wasn't full yet, though, because he started griping. By the time we hit Elm Grove he was downright honked and began to yowl like a Siamese.

Andy cried, "Mommy! Benjamin's hungry!"

"I know, Andy," I said. "He's just going to have to deal with it for a few minutes until we get home."

At this, Benji started to make what I call the angry goat noise. (Big inhale, followed by a screech that turns into an enraged, quivering bleat.) Andy hates it when Benji cries, and sits in his car seat turning red, yanking on his own hair, kicking the seat and having a hissy fit of his own because he can't handle it. (Now he knows how we felt when he was a baby.)

I looked in the rear view mirror and Andy's hands were on his ears and his face was scarlet.

"Benjamin!" he cried. "Deal with it!"

I said, "Andy, he's a baby and he's hungry."

"But he's not dealing with it!"

Benji let out another howl.

"Benjamin! DEAL WITH IT!"

Howl.

"BENJAMIN! I SAID DEAL WITH IT! YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH IT! DEAL WITH IT!"

Needless to say, Benjamin never dealt with it.

Andy didn't deal with it so well either.

aggressive much?

Me: I love pelicans.

Andy: I love to punch them in the nose.

cheese with your whine?

I think Andy is having a hard time adjusting to life with a little brother, having to share the spotlight and share the available parental attention. He's doing his best, but his emotions are running a tad high and they seem to have a hair trigger. He melts down quite easily. (More easily than normal, that is.)

Yesterday he asked for a banana. I was feeding Benji so I told him to go upstairs and pull a chair up to the counter and get his own banana. He's perfectly capable of doing this.

I heard a great deal of thudding and tromping and thonking, following by one big wham! on the kitchen floor. I knew this was the snowball which would set off the meltdown avalanche, and sure enough, he came down the stairs in tears.

"What's wrong Andy?" I asked him.

He could barely talk because he was focusing so much energy on his over-dramatic whining.

Finally I heard, "I dropped the greenie!"

"What?"

"I dropped the greenie Mommy!"

"The what?"

"The greenie!" And he threw himself down on the floor.

I put an irritated Benjamin down and went over to Andy and plucked him up off the floor. "What is a greenie, Andy?"

He answered, "That big green banana up in the kitchen."

We don't have any green bananas. They are all quite yellow and spotty and of a normal size. So I grabbed Benji and went upstairs to find the world's biggest zucchini on the kitchen floor, and zucchini guts all over the chair he'd used to retrieve it. In addition, there were three semi-peeled bananas smashed on the counter.

None of which he would touch. While I was cleaning up the banana mess he went back downstairs. I found him eating Nutter Butters.

told ya so

Remember the movie "The Rescuers"? It was about a little unloved orphan girl who gets kidnapped by some evil people who own mean alligators. And they force her to go down into a sea cave to look for a diamond every day. And eventually two little mice (voiced by Eva Gabor and Bob Newhart) come along and save her. We got the movie long ago, before we realized it was totally inappropriate for a 3 or 4-year-old. But of course Andy found out it was hiding in his DVD case, waiting to be watched. And so the bugging began.

Monday: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"No. It's too scary for you."

Tuesday: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"No. It'll scare you."

Wednesday: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"No. It's going to upset you."

Thursday: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"NO ANDY!"

Friday: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"Fine! You can watch it tomorrow. But it's going to scare you!"
"No it won't!"

I manage to put him off for one more week until....

Today: "Can we watch The Rescuers, Mommy?"
"Yes. Fine."

I put in the dvd and hit play. The movie starts with a sad little girl singing a sad song and throwing a "rescue me" bottle with a note into the bayou. And a shot of the mean alligators.

12 seconds elapse.

Andy bursts into tears.

And it's over.

shawn created this

"Daddy, hang on while I get a book so I can smack you in the stomach!"

temper, temper

During one of today's self-pitying temper tantrums:

Andy: I'm a beautiful boy but nobody loves me!

it's true

I've had the baby, so our lives have changed quite a bit.

However, Andy's sense of humor (if you can call it that) has not changed.

We were sitting in the backyard this afternoon, Andy in the sandbox and I in a chair while baby Benjamin napped in his car seat. When he started to wake up I said, "Andy, I'm going to go feed Benji up on the porch so I can have some privacy."

He replied, "Okay Mommy. Nobody wants to see your boob."

how thoughtful

This morning while we were eating breakfast Andy and I were playing my iPod. When Lady Gaga came on, Andy asked, "What's this one about Mommy?"

I said, "This one is called Poker Face."

He went back to eating his cereal.

After a few minutes, when the final chorus of the song came on, he said, "Mommy, I would never poke your face."

i swear he is

Me: Andy, you are grumpy!

Andy: AAAARGH!!!!! NO! I REALLY ABSOLUTELY AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

reality check

In the past few months we've employed all sorts of techniques to help Andy feel comfortable in the dark at bedtime. It's normal at this age for preschoolers to have nightmares and fears of the dark, so we've given him a bottle of "Monster Spray" that he can use to target any wild monsters that might appear in his room. Actually, he's been quick to tell me, the spray melts them on contact. We've had a good deal of success with Monster Spray in the evenings.

Of course where you have a little boy and a spray bottle of water, you have the potential for silliness and a bit of a soggy mess. The spraying of the monsters has rapidly de-evolved into a squirting game. Shawn gets into the act, too, and gets pretty goofy. There's a lot of hooting and hollering when all I want is for everybody to be calm and quiet and to get into bed.

Last night they got especially silly, and Shawn grabbed the Monster Spray bottle and squirted Andy. He was expecting Andy to grab the bottle back and retaliate.

Instead, Andy froze. Then he burst into tears of terror and shouted fearfully, "Oh no! Now I'm going to melt!"

handed my hat

This is Memorial Day, so we're all moving slowly and lazily. Andy and I were sitting on the patio furniture when he heard his Meme stirring next door. He immediately hopped up and ran to her porch to visit with her. Within a matter of minutes he was ensconced in cozy blankets on the deck and she was reading to him.

He loves this. It's his favorite activity in the world, with his favorite person in the world.

I went over after a few minutes to make sure he was behaving himself. Meme stopped reading the book and we said good morning and such. Andy was visibly annoyed at the interruption. When he could stand it no longer he said, "Mommy, can you stop talking to Meme now so she can read me my book?"

I said, "Okay buddy", and stopped talking.

Then Andy pointed to Shawn sitting back on our own porch and dismissively said, "Why don't you go talk to Daddy over there? He looks lonely."

And thus I was shown the door.

seriously, shut up

Andy has been a serious chatterbox lately. Well, he's always a chatterbox, but it seems like the past few months have been excessively talkative. To the point where we want to scream and put some food in his mouth. He literally cannot shut up.

Tonight we went to the grocery store and of course Andy blabbered for the entire hour we spent shopping. By the end of the trip our ears were fried. As we drove home, the running dialogue continued until our ears were ready to bleed.

"Mommy, I'm scared of the black clouds."

"Mommy, what is that duck doing?"

"Mommy what kind of car do you have?"

"Mommy is that man wearing his seat belt?"

I answered every question as evenly as I could without losing my cool, because as I said, this has been going on for months (years) and I am really, really pregnant and uncomfortable and grouchy.

Finally he asked, "Mommy, is that storm going to hit us?"

I said, "No honey, I think it broke up."

"What is 'broke up?'"

I said, "It means the storm fell apart and blew away."

"Who blew it away?"

Exasperated with the millionth question of the night, I said, "God, Andy. God blew it away."

"God?"

"Yes, God blew the storm away."

Andy smiled and said, "Good old God!"

horrors

On Saturday Shawn took Andy to Walmart so I could have a break.

The aisles in Walmart are fairly narrow, and Shawn had a little run-in with a fellow shopper. He and a lady were standing back-to-back and both bent over at the same time. Consequently, they bumped posteriors and were both knocked off-balance, almost falling over. Shawn was terribly embarrassed to have just crashed his butt into a strange lady and they both laughed nervously about it when they regained their composure.

Sitting in the cart, Andy watched the whole thing. He cackled.

Then he exclaimed, "You FATTIES!"

he's on to me

Andy: Mommy can you read me this book?

Me: Sure, Andy.

Andy: Yeah, and try not to skip any pages!

chubba dubba doo

Yesterday afternoon I was hurriedly cleaning up the house in anticipation of Uncle Thomas's arrival. I went from room to room rather frantically, picking up what I could, and of course Andy followed me everywhere I went and got in my way.

While I was picking up junk in his bedroom he patted my ever-expanding posterior and said, "I like your squishy butt, Mommy!"

I said, "Andy, ladies don't really like it when you tell them they have squishy butts."

He patted my rump again and said, "Oh, I'm sorry....Mommy, I like your pretty butt!"

streppy

Andy was diagnosed with strep throat last night. Fortunately the fever has broken and he is no longer contagious. He was a limp noodle for a while but now his attitude is coming back, a sure sign that he's on the mend.

[sitting on the Lazy Boy together, watching cartoons]

Andy: Wanna smell my foot? (He sticks his toes in my face.)

Me: NO!

Andy: Smell it!

Me: NO! Andy, get your feet out of my face!

Andy: Wanna smell my leg? (He sticks his calf in my face.)

Me: No, Andy.

Andy: Wanna smell my pj's?

Me: No. Why would I want to smell your pj's, Andy? I don't want to smell anything.

He smacks his forehead.

Andy: D'oh! That's no good!

spinners

Every year at this time one of the trees in our yard rains down what we call "helicopters". It's a maple tree and the seeds have sails on them. They come spinning down by the thousands, particularly on a windy day such as today. We watched them fall for hours and Andy loved it.

Meanwhile, it's hot enough that Andy and Uncle Davey got into a hose fight and soaked each other and everything within a twelve-block radius. So they sat in the sun and dried off for a while, but inevitably a little boy ends up naked in the backyard in the summer. (At least mine does.)

So the wet clothing came off and I wasn't able to convince him to get dressed. In fact, it became such a fight that I gave up and simply hoped the elderly neighbors weren't too offended. Meanwhile, Andy began racing around in the buff, chasing these helicopters as they flew down from the maple tree.

He stopped for a moment to talk to me, then reached behind him, produced a helicopter and excitedly said, "Hey! Whaddya know? Look what was in my butt!"

cheese

Me: Andy, do you want some cheese?

Andy, sighing irritably: No....(sigh). I don't want any cheese. I'm not a mouse.

hose job

Our little trip to Niagara Falls over 3 days has wreaked havoc in our household. Though he probably doesn't realize it, subconsciously Andy is upset that we left him. And his behavior has indicated as much over the past few days.

We returned from our trip Sunday evening. Monday morning Andy woke up in tears, saying he was hot and had a stomach ache. I immediately went into The-Preschooler's-Going-To-Vomit Mode. Though he had no fever, he seemed listless and whiny. But he asked for Cheerios for breakfast, which should have clued me in.

Shawn went off to work and I called Andy and myself in sick to our respective school and work places. Andy lay on the couch saying he didn't feel well enough to go to school.

After about 20 minutes he got up off the couch and retrieved his new train. I began to get suspicious. I asked, "Andy, how's your tum?"

He replied, "It's doing great!" Then, upon seeing my raised eyebrow, he quickly corrected himself. "I think it still really hurts though."

I was quiet for a moment.

Then I mumbled, "Maybe we should go to Dairy Queen later...."

His head shot up off the couch like a rocket.

"Maybe we should go to Dairy Queen now!!"

Five minutes later we were in the car on our way to school.

all-time backfire

Andy is potty trained. (Hallelujah!)

But that didn't happen overnight. It took a lot of work and I washed a lot of clothing in the process. There were some really gross moments, and they have served to make every flush of the potty that much sweeter.

One technique I employed when I was truly desperate was to let Andy pick the tree of his choice in our backyard and pee on it. He was so thrilled at the prospect that it pretty much ended all outside accidents. The problem, of course, is that now that it's all over, he still loves to pee on the trees. He's a boy. They like to pee on things.

So I just maintain a light-hearted attitude and let it go. As long as he's not peeing on trees at the park, we're okay. I figure it gives the neighbors a kick (or a shock).

But tonight it really backfired. I was cleaning up the kitchen and Andy went out on the porch to play. Suddenly I looked out the door and there was his bare butt, pants around his ankles, peeing right off the porch. He was laughing as it arced through the air and landed a story below, in my wheelbarrow.

dude! it's water weight!

Last night Andy was fresh out of the shower and he was running around naked like a wild man. And it was so dang cute that I had to pinch his little bum.

I said, "Andy, I love those cute little butt cheeks!"

He said, "Thanks Mommy. And I love your big fat butt cheeks!"

circus days

Andy's exact words when they turned off the lights and turned on the music at his first circus:

[with huge tears streaming down his face]

"Oh my God! Get me out of here!"

i heard that

Me: Andy! Stop playing with the water cooler! NOW!

Andy, under his breath: Stupid Mommy....

Me: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY???

Andy: I said........'pretty mommy!'

ah, memories

Recently Andy has recalled the time he flushed his little toy car, Lightning McQueen (from the movie Cars) down the potty. It was very traumatic, and I had to call a plummer to snake the drain in case the pipes were blocked. And Andy cried for hours about his lost car. Sobbed like his little heart was broken. We had to go to Target and buy another.

Over a year later, he's been talking about that incident. He's asked where Lightning McQueen went and I've had to re-hash the whole thing several times. Fortunately he's no longer upset about it; he is curious, though.

Andy: Mommy where did Lightning McQueen go when I dropped him in the potty?

Me: He went into the pipes.

Andy: Is he still there?

Me: No, Andy. He went through the pipes into the sewer.

Andy: What is a sewer?

[Insert a long, complication discussion about sewers here. Include descriptions of pipes, where they go, what happens in the pipes, what travels through the pipes and where the pipes end up.]

Me:...and that's what a sewer is, Andy.

Andy: Oh.

[silence]

Andy: Mommy?

Me: Yes?

Andy: Can you get naked and get in the potty and get my Lightning McQueen back?

Me: Andy, I already told you that Lightning McQueen is gone. He's not in the potty any longer.

Andy: You need to get naked and get him.


(Why do I have to be naked?)

making friends at the restaurant

After we finished our meal I knew Andy had to use the potty. I took him into the ladies room and he asked for privacy. So I stood outside the stall holding the door shut while he did his thing, which took 15 minutes. (My arm got really tired.)

A lady came in to use the restroom too. Andy heard me say hello.

Andy (from behind his stall door): What's your name?

The lady laughed.

Andy: I'm pooping!

Lady: Sometimes we all have to do that.

Andy: When I poop on the potty Mommy gives me a poopy prize.

(pause)

Andy: Okay Mommy. You can wipe me now.

nudie

The new baby's room got carpet this week, and it's a wild toddler's dream because it's a big room with nothing in it except a soft, squishy floor. Andy loves to play in there, specifically to run around.

On Wednesday evening he said, "Mommy, can I take all of my clothing off and run around naked in the baby's room?"

I let him.

night visitor

"Hey Mommy, last night while I was sleeping a little bug came into my room and he left me some candy in my shoe!"

Is there some new holiday I'm not aware of?

still not quite

Last night we were watching a wee bit of Animal Planet and there was a segment about the Box Jellyfish (Chironex fleckeri). Andy stopped playing and stared at the television as they showed a close-up of the tentacles and their stinging nematocysts.

"Mommy, do the jellyfish testicles sting really bad?"

stall tactics

Andy successfully put off his entry into Quiet Time by 20 minutes today.

I was sitting in his rocking chair waiting for him to finish peeing on the potty. Then I heard a massive THUD followed by a scream of pain.

I ran into the bathroom to see him lying on the floor naked from the waist down, howling in agony. His back had a visible welt from where he'd obviously slammed into the marble shower rim.

Me: Andy! What happened?

Andy: I fell off and hurt my back on the shower!

Me: What were you doing?

Andy: I tried to do a somersault off the potty.

Clearly he needs to work on the dismount.

the pity party continues

Andy: Can I pleeeeeease watch my Looney Tunes?

Me, tired of hearing that question: NO Andy, I told you, I am watching my show.

[pause]

Andy, under his breath and with tears in his eyes: Poor me.....

early morning drama

[This goes on every single day around here, in some form or another. My child is either horribly moody or totally normal. I can't tell.]

The setting: 7:45am, Sunday, the kitchen. Breakfast.

Andy asked for a bowl of cereal. Due to a recent visit to his grandma's house, we have a box of Fruit Loops in the kitchen. I don't like them as a breakfast option. He also has a box of Fruity Cheerios, and the Cheerios folk would have us believe that they're vastly superior and contain fiber and protein and such. (I didn't buy the fruity Cheerios either. I don't think a cereal should be any color other than that of wheat or oats or corn. But I'm a breakfast stickler.)

Anyway, he asked for a bowl of Fruity Cheerios. So I got him one, and covered it with milk. After only a few bites he pointed to the box of Fruit Loops up on the fridge and said, "I want that one now, Mommy."

I said, "Andy, they're they same cereal." (Not entirely true, but they're both red boxes full of multi-colored O's. One just seems to have less sugar. )

He seemed satisfied with that answer for a few minutes only. Then he asked me again for the Fruit Loops and I again said no.

Then came what I have dubbed "The Andy Response". He made an angry face at me. Then at his cereal bowl. Then he pushed it away and put his head down on the table. I ignored this. When he didn't get a response from me he picked his head up, sighed loudly, and pushed his cereal bowl even farther away from him so that it almost fell off the kitchen table. Then he put his head back down with a thunk.

I said nothing but picked up the bowl and put it on the opposite side of the table. Andy began to wail.

"Oh no! Now I'll never see my cereal bowl again! Everybody's so mean to me! I need to find a new family!"

the rosey bahookie

The other day when Andy was being delightfully ornery I jokingly said, "Andy! I'm going to paint your back porch red if you don't shape up!"

It took him a few days of hearing the phrase to understand what it meant, and of course I have not really painted his little back porch red. (Though it is often tempting.)

Today we were sitting in a chair together and Nugget was really being a pest. She wanted to play and began growling and tugging at my sleeve and yapping at us. It was time for Andy to have a nap and calm down so I said, "Nugget! Naughty dog!"

But Andy got all charged up anyway and yelled, "Paint her porch, Mommy! Paint her porch!"

it had to happen

While driving along today Andy was emitting a constant stream of toddler chatter. I was only half-paying attention.

Then he said, "Shit!"

I was quiet for a moment and then nonchalantly said, "What honey?"

He said, "Everybody says 'shit'."

I think I'm going to need to have a talk with this Everybody person.

missing the point

Andy was being a little hard on poor Shawn this morning. We were trying to get him out the door so we could all do some long-ignored errands, and he wasn't very cooperative. (Imagine that: An uncooperative, 3-year-old male.) Shawn had to speak sharply to him to get him to focus and hustle into the car.

As we were driving along he said, "I'm mad at you Daddy. You hurt my feelings. You're a mean guy."

I interjected and said, "Andy, Daddy's not a mean guy. You're very lucky to have such a great daddy who loves you so much. Some kids don't even have daddies. Wouldn't that be terrible not to have a daddy?"

Andy was in the backseat cuddling with a blanket we keep in the car. He looked thoughtful for a moment. Then he said, "And some kids don't even have blankies! That would be terrible not to have a blankie!"

Next time I'll save my breath.

hint?

Andy: Mommy, do you shave?

Me: No....not my face.

Andy: But do you shave your body?

it buggs me

When I came in the back door tonight Andy and Shawn were engaged in their new favorite pastime: watching Looney Tunes. I walked in the back door, tired and dripping with sleet and said, "Hi, Andy!"

He pointed at me and said, "Say your prayers, ya long-eared ga-loot!"

vday baby

[I like to include cute Andy moments sometimes, to remind myself that my son isn't entirely ornery...]

On Valentine's Day I was resting in a chair in the basement, having some stretchy ligament pain. Andy and Shawn were doing the grocery shopping. I was waiting for them to come home so I could help unload groceries.

Suddenly I heard a knock on the glass of the back door, and a happy squeal. There was my little boy, all bundled up in his parka, smiling a huge smile and holding an enormous armful of roses. He was visibly excited to give me my flowers...

...and even more excited to share in the ridiculously large box of truffles they brought me as well. (Shawn has walked this road before; he knows what pregnant ladies like.)

The moments like these make those pesky mole-rat-preacher moments a little easier to swallow.

God's sense of humor

Tonight we took Andy to our church's pancake supper. He's got a wretched cough and cold and was perhaps the grumpiest and meanest he's ever been. All the older folks came up to him and said hello and he frowned and hid behind my legs.

After the pancakes worked their way into his tummy, however, he was a new man. He perked right up and his chatty nature started to shine through.

The pastor worked his way over to our table. He's a jolly guy with a jolly voice and he said, "Hi young Andy!"

Andy was inspired by his jolliness and replied, in an equally exuberant voice, "Hi, mole rat!"

That's right. My son called our minister a mole rat.

cuteness

I'm having a day of discomfort...I suppose at 20 weeks things are really stretching and growing and all sorts of other inappropriate-for-the-blog things that nobody really needs to know about. But I'm uncomfortable, so I'm lying stretched out in the Lazy Boy trying to find some relief.

Andy, meanwhile, is supremely excited about the impending birth and asks me every single day if the baby is coming out today. And I say no. And he said tonight, "I'm getting tired of waiting!"

It's so sweet it makes my hormonal heart melt.

So as I tried to get comfy in the recliner Andy showed up at my side with a train. First he sang the ABC's to my stomach. Then he put the train on my abdomen and rolled it around. The baby kicked a little bit and Andy got very excited and ran off. A minute later he was back with an armful of trains...at least 7 of them. And he piled them on my tummy so his little brother could share them. Eventually I had to tell him to stop the piling because it was hurting, but because I didn't want to hurt his very-generous feelings I told him that the baby had gone to sleep.

And he said, "Mommy, when the baby wakes up will you tell me so I can bring the trains back for him to play with?"

What a kid.

verbage

Tonight in the car I asked Andy to stop whining.

He asked me to "stop directioning" him.

eerily accurate

At the dinner table, out of the blue: "Daddy, you're clueless."

He obviously knows his father well.

close, but no cigar

It's late, and I just had to go up to Andy's bedroom to check on him. He was crying. He's been having a lot of bad dreams about stinging jellyfish lately, and tonight was no different.

I asked him what was wrong and he said, "I was dreaming about stinging jellyfish testicles!"

dear god I hope not

Andy: Where are we going?

Me: We're going to Walmart.

Andy: Why are we going to Walmart?

Me: To get some snacks for your preschool class.

Andy: Are we going to get snacks for the baby?

Me: No, Andy. The baby is still in Mommy's tummy.

Andy: Is the baby going to come out at Walmart?

the service is a little slow

At 10am this morning I was upstairs getting ready for a trip to the store. Andy was running around in his pajamas, playing with Nugget, making a good deal of noise. And that, of course, is generally how I keep track of him: this good deal of noise follows him wherever he goes. It's quite useful.

I was applying eyeshadow when I realized that it was suddenly deathly silent. It's never a good sign when the birds stop singing in the woods and it's never a good sign when Andy isn't loud.

I looked around for him upstairs and saw nothing. I went to the top of the stairs and called down, "Andy!"

Downstairs I heard a little voice say, "Yes Mommy?"

"Where are you?"

"I'm in the kitchen."

"What are you doing in the kitchen?" I asked.

"I'm sitting in my chair waiting for my food to arrive."

Apparently nobody told me the kitchen was open for business.

morning grump

This morning Andy and I were eating our breakfast before school and work. He was in a really rotten mood, having already thrown Nugget out of his bedroom and argued with me about getting dressed and brushing his teeth.

Shawn came down the stairs and said, "Good morning, Andy."

Andy looked down at his Cheerios and grumbled, "Daddy, I don't want to talk you right now."

I said, "Andy! Don't be rude. Daddy was saying good morning to you."

Andy said irritably, "Daddy, can you just let me enjoy my cereal business?"

never gets old

We're watching Andy's favorite movie, Cars. Towards the end, one of the characters says, "Punch me in the face!"

Andy: Punch me in the face Mommy!

Me: I would never punch you in the face! Andy, you have a beautiful face.

Andy: And you have a balloon face!

the honeymoon's over before it began

Andy is starting to get excited about the arrival of the new baby, although it's still quite a ways away. He asks about the baby all the time and we talk about how things will be different when he/she arrives. He's been very excited about being "Mommy's Helper" and wants to be my super duper useful assistant. (That should last a solid 2 days.) He's thrilled to be able to show the baby his train set and bounce on the trampoline together.

I hate to burst his bubble. So I haven't, yet.

Today I showed him one of our home videos from his early days. Specifically, when he was 7-10 weeks old. The video consists of a lot of close-ups of his baby face, a good deal of cooing, a fair amount of screaming and one or two vomits. I could tell he was trying his hardest to remain interested in the video, trying to see what about it was making me smile and "aww" and melt.

The last scene in the movie was a naked 10-week old Andy chewing on a washcloth for 7 minutes. (The hallmark of first-time parenthood.)

When I asked him what he thought, he said, "I don't like babies anymore", and got off the couch.

17 weeks; 36 years

At lunch:

"Mommy, your belly's getting big and fat."

Pause.

"And Daddy's bum is really fat."

hint?

Today Andy and I were going to the store after work. He asked me if he was going to be big someday.

I said, "Andy, someday you're going to be even bigger than Mommy."

He replied, "When I get big I'm going to be huge and I'm not going to fit in your dirty car anymore!"

probably accurate

Me: What did you do in school today, Andy?

Andy: I peed all over the bathroom and Miss Kim said, "Focus, Andy! Pee down into the potty, not all over the place!

correction

Sometimes Andy hears Shawn and I talking to each other and calling each other by our first names. And he automatically uses them too.

Andy: Shawn, can I have some chocolate milk?

Shawn, jokingly: That's 'daddy' to you, pal!

Last night at dinner, Shawn said, "Laura, can you pass me a roll?"

Andy's head snapped up and he spoke sharply to his father. "That's 'Mommy' to YOU, Daddy!"

yum

Aunt Sonya was reading her book this morning while Uncle Davey cooked us some eggs. Sonya said, "Laura, this is a really good book!"

Andy asked, "Mommy can I taste the book?"

I think he's confused.

nice try

Andy asked this morning if he could play with his Moon Sand. I said no, not right now. And turned my back on him. And therein lay my mistake.

A few minutes later I realized he had completely defied me and had dumped 2 pounds of Moon Sand out on my shag carpeting and was making the world's biggest mess. I was not happy and spoke sharply to him.

Of course he started to cry and ran upstairs and hid, and I could hear him saying, "Help me Daddy! Help me Daddy!"

When I got the mess cleaned up he came down and said again that he wanted his father. I said, "Andy, if Daddy were here he'd be unhappy with you too."

He said, "You guys are so mean to me! I want to find another family! I'm going to Meme and Pop's house. Maybe they'll be nicer to me!"

If my parents were in town I would have dropped him off myself.

bipolar

Andy: Daddy, I don't like you!

Shawn: Well then you can get your own donut.

Andy: But...but...Daddy I love you!

[silence]

Andy: Daddy, now can I have a donut?

in school today

Miss Kim approached me after school and gave me another Andy update. He's been formally dubbed The Funniest Kid In School, and it's got me worried. What is he going to say on any given day?

Well, today was Letter M Day. They sat at circle time and discussed words that started with the letter M.

One of the words that came up was "mud".

Andy: I love mud!

Miss Kim: Andy, what do you like to do in the mud?

Andy: I like to BE NAKED!

i'm starting to believe it

Me: Andy, are you pooping in your Pullups?

Andy: No, I'm just peeing.

Me: Why aren't you peeing in the potty?

Andy: Because I love peeing in my pants!

nyet!

The other night I was in bed trying to fall asleep when the sounds of 3-year-old misery snapped me back into consciousness. I could hear Andy rolling around uncomfortably in his bed. After a few minute he began to whimper, "Mommy...." So of course I went in to see what the matter was.

He was lying there looking unhappy and said, "My tummy feels hot."

Well, I have no idea what that means. Was he hot? Was he nauseous? Was he cramping? I asked him to specify and he really couldn't, other to repeat his hot-tummy statement.

So I hugged him for a minute and asked what he wanted me to do for him.

"I want to go barf in your bed, Mommy."

he *can* be nice

Just so you don't think my son is all violence and whining and insults....

Last night I was lying in my bed with the stomach flu while my Super Shawn took care of Andy and brought me sips of ginger ale and oyster crackers. (Gold star for Shawn, by the way. He's a keeper, that one.)

After they'd gotten Andy showered I could hear them in Andy's room getting pj's on. Andy was talking to his dad about Booba. And the last thing he said was, "Daddy, Booba thinks you're the bestest daddy in the world!"

And of course, being pregnant and bedridden and flu-ey and emotional, I shed a tear. And then, to make me feel even prouder, he came in and told me I was the the most beautiful mommy in the world. (Nevermind the straggly hair and barf bucket next to me.)

Note to self: Remember this when he's 14.

sassy saturday morning

This morning we were watching an ice fishing show.

The fishermen pulled out a big, beautiful lake trout.

Andy said, "That's a nice lake trout."

Shawn teasingly said, "You're a lake trout!"

Andy looked at his father and said, "I'm not a lake trout, Daddy. I don't have fins or a tail!" He paused and then added, under his breath, "You ridiculous schmuck..."